From the twisted minds of BB Ben and Sailor Monsoon comes a new collaborative review series called Double Impact! For these opinion pieces, we watch a film, discuss it, and then Sailor turns our drunken conversations into something legible and entertaining!
There is no rhyme or reason to the movie selection process, but don’t be surprised if we lean heavily on garbage action films (that’s right, Chuck Norris, the meme stops here).
Strap in, Exiles.
This is–Double Impact!
Film: Christmas with Cookie
Action Star: Nobody. This is barely a movie.
Plot: In the year 3978 global warming has made a desert of the North Pole. Santa and Mrs. Claus battle angry skeletons who didn’t get what they wanted for Christmas. Evil aliens try to take over the world and a giant abominable snow man wants Santa for his next meal.
Sex and Violence: No sex but plenty of terrible action.
Alcohol consumed: 99 Bananas + Gatorade and I believe some rum. Whatever it was, wasn’t enough.
Typos left in for comedic effect
Sailor Monsoon– When I used to have friends *cue the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme song*, we’d get together every other weekend and watch the worst films on Amazon. Like a mini MST3K, we’d riff on the absolute worst trash imaginable. We did that about 10 or so times and in all that time, we never found anything half as bad as Christmas with Cookie.
Basement Bros– Oh, we’re just jumping into it, eh? No bullshit intro or gimmick?
SM– This movie is so bad, I don’t want to bury the lede.
BB– Understandable. Oh and by the way, I don’t buy that opening statement for a second. We both know your “friends” were you, your cat and some liquor.
SM– I already added a link to the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme song! You don’t have to make it more depressing with the truth!! [Ed note: there is no link]
BB– I refuse to humor your lies.
SM– Blah blah blah. We both know I’m the coolest kid in coolsville.
BB– You just admitted to: 1. Not having friends and 2. Spending time you did have with friends watching terrible movies. Neither one of those things is cool.
SM– Have you seen Animal House?
No and if I have, it’s been a million years. (For the sake of this bit, lets pretend he said yes.) Yes I have. I love that movie.
SM– Who’s the coolest character in it?
BB– It would unequivocally be John Belushi. I say this with the confidence of a man who’s seen the movie one thousand times.
SM– Now, picture every scene of his in your mind. Besides causing havoc and having a good time, what is the common denominator of all of his scenes? The fact that he’s alone. You never see him with anyone else in that entire movie. He’s at parties and he talks to other characters but he’s always by himself. Because cool cats are lone wolves.
BB– Ok. Ok. Ok, I’m….Ok. I… Alright, I’m breaking this bit because you’re giving my brain an ulcer.
BB– Belushi was funny in that movie but he was also an obnoxious asshole perv who was by himself because nobody wanted to be around him. He constantly looked like he smelled like an unwashed dick and honestly, he’s not even the funniest or coolest character in the movie. And “cool cats are lone wolves” is quite possibly, the dumbest thing you’ve ever said. Did your mom buy you a shirt that said that from Kmart?
BB– And, I thought we weren’t doing any bits!
SM– …………I don’t want to talk about this film.
SM– And the shirt didn’t say anything. It was just plastered with disembodied cat heads.
BB– Well, we have to talk about this piece of shit that YOU picked. What happened to the wheel?
SM– We needed a Christmas movie, so I made an executive decision. And you need to stop snapping at me like I’m a manager of a Sizzler that won’t honor your two year old coupons, Karen.
BB– This movie has angered me and I honestly don’t know who I’m more mad at, you or the person who made it.
SM– Well let’s get into it. Christmas with Cookie is about an ugly ass monster that lives on the moon, who is…fuck it, just watch the trailer.
SM– For those of you that were smart enough to skip it, picture the lowest budgeted porn you’ve ever seen, then remove the sex and acting, add in costumes and props straight from Party City and a plot that makes no fucking sense and you still wouldn’t be close to imagining something this bad.
BB– While watching it, we both guessed it was made in about a month. Shot on weekends and shit. This fucking movie, from script to final product, took 8 months. 8 fucking months. Which isn’t a lot of time but Saw was completed in that amount of time and that’s an actual movie.
SM– I really can’t stress the lack of anything resembling a budget or talent behind and in front of the camera. It is by far the worst film I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen every film in the IMDB bottom 100.
BB– Which makes the fact that we watched the sequel that much more insane.
SM– If someone says “this is the absolute worst film mankind has ever produced” and then told me there was a sequel, I’m going to need to see how it could possibly get worse and the answer is….
BB– By ruining a completely different film with constant narration.
SM– It took us a good 45 minutes before we realized Christmas with Cookie: Locked Away was just a low budget zombie film called Locked Away with Cookie inserted later. Locked Away as a movie isn’t great but was watchable enough to keep my attention. It was extremely low budget and amateurish but it was trying. But we didn’t watch the Cookie free version. We watched a terrible fucking riff movie that was painful.
BB– The actor who plays Cookie really wants that character to be the next Elvira or Freddy Krueger but he’s not talented enough or funny enough to be the next Don Szelchman.
SM– Who the fuck is Don Szelchman?
BB– I dunno. I just picked a name that sounded like it would belong to a guy that sucked.
SM– Then you should’ve picked Alan Maxson.
BB– Who’s that?
SM– The guy who played Cookie.
BB– (completely missing the punchline to my joke but whatever) Hey-o!!
Commentary without context
“Wouldn’t a post apocalyptic film starring Santa be cool? It feels like it has potential. This film is negative potential.”
“Remember that guy that shot up a school or something who was related to a movie producer? I wouldn’t be surprised if this was made by that guy.”
“I feel like this was the reason Gary Busey went insane.”
“I hate my life.”
“This film feels like being stuck in a room with that uncle your family doesn’t talk about for 200 minutes. And it’s only an hour.”
“This film is so shitty, proctologists use it as chart to diagnosis colon cancer.”