[Double Impact] ‘Cyborg’ (1989)

From the twisted minds of BB Ben and Sailor Monsoon comes a new collaborative review series called Double Impact! For these opinion pieces, we watch a film, discuss it, and then Sailor turns our drunken conversations into something legible and entertaining!

There is no rhyme or reason to the movie selection process, but don’t be surprised if we lean heavily on garbage action films (that’s right, Chuck Norris, the meme stops here).

Strap in, Exiles.

This is–Double Impact!

Film: Cyborg

Action Star: The muscles from Brussels

Tagline (that doubles as a plot synopsis): “He’s the first hero of the 21st century…..and he’s our only hope.”

Review and Random Thoughts

Basement Bros– So, correct me if I’m wrong but didn’t this start life as a He-Man sequel?

Sailor Monsoon– Ugh. I’m far too drunk to explain the convoluted history of this film.

BB– CliffsNotes that shit.

SM– (takes another shot of vodka) Oh my lord. That’s…I’m pretty sure I just sucked down aftershave. Ok. Cyber…oh it burns. That stings the throat something fierce. Ok. Before Cannon went belly up, they planned on making a He-Man sequel set in a dystopian Earth created by Skeletor. They had already started creating costumes and “sets” before the plug was pulled. Not wanting to waste what they had already made, they hired Albert Pyun to write a new script that would utilize the locations and what have you. He merged two scripts he already had laying around and used the name of his cat as his writing pseudonym. I don’t remember the name. Pussy Glamour or something. [Editor’s Note: It’s Kitty Chalmers]

BB– Cannon has created a ton of crazy ass shit but I can’t picture a Mad Max ripoff starring He-Man.

SM– The costumes and sets were also going to be used in their cancelled Spider-Man film starring Gymkata superstar Michael Dudikoff.

BB– Michael Dudikoff wasn’t in Gymkata.

SM– That’s incorrect. Gymkata starred Dudikoff, a pommel horse(s) and America.

BB– it was Kurt Thomas. Not Dudikoff.

SM– Sweet Jesus. I’ve just been Nelson Mandela’d. I would’ve bet working man money that it was Dudikoff. And I’m now at the point where we’ve said his name so many times, it’s lost any semblance of meaning. It just looks like random letters to me. I’m very drunk.

BB– Speaking of drunk, Van Damme’s hair in the flashbacks 👌.

SM– We really gotta work on our segues.

BB– Van Damme looks like a pirate in the present scenes and Sarah Conner from Terminator 2 in the flashbacks.

SM– A homeless pirate, which is an oxymoron. And speaking of flashbacks, this film could be split up into three sections: 1. Flashbacks 2. Extremely long close ups 3. Knife sharpening.

BB– You want to tackle the plot?

SM– Honestly, if this was a game show and the objective was to describe the plot of this film or get shot in the face, I’d spend the time allotted to me saying goodbye to my lady because I just watched this movie and I’ve already forgot the plot.

BB– Various guys named after guitars are fighting over a robot that has the cure to the plague. Van-Damme kicks people.

SM– I’m not joking. I literally forgot the entire plot of this film. Where is she going? Why does the bad guy want her?
Who is the chick with the big tits? How did she become involved in this and why does she care? How is Van-Damme connected to all of this? It’s 74% roundhouse kicks to either the face or dick and I’m still completely blank on the sequence of events.

BB– The only thing I’m hazy on is what exactly a “slinger” is. They call Van-Damme that multiple times but it’s never explained.

SM– They call him that because he slings massive amounts of dick.

BB– That must be the reason.

SM– (is beginning to hallucinate due to the booze) I think they call liquor “spirits” due to the fact that if you drink enough of it, you’ll see some goddamn ghosts. Is this absinthe? I think I’m suffering from the crazy.

BB– Y’know, as nonsensical as this is, I dig its Mad Max meets cyberpunk vibe. It’s got a great set up and is elevated by the Pyun touch. Albert Pyun:
The John Carpenter of D movies.

SM– I’m not going to disagree. I think Pyun was always handicapped by his budget and while his films may not always congeal properly, he definitely has talent. The scene in the sewers is a well constructed set piece and the crucifixion scene is very close to being great. He has a great eye for visuals.

BB– It’s a shame that Cannon went under because I would’ve loved to have seen this become a franchise.

SM– It did become a franchise.

BB– We don’t talk about those.

SM– But back to your point, I think it’s a shame not more action heroes did genre work. Schwarzenegger did an action/horror and Stallone did an action/thriller but only after the success of the Sixth Sense. Neither one of them ventured too far off the path earlier in their careers. And that’s a shame. I guess Total Recall and Demolition Man come close but it would’ve been great to see them show up in an insane post-apocalyptic.

BB– Its weird that this has a budget.

SM– As opposed to an Asylum production or the usual Cannon film? It looks like they had two locations: Parking lot and swamp.

BB– There’s a robot head!

SM— I think that was Pyun’s pitch.

BB– Apparently Roger Ebert hated this film.

SM– He also hated Fight Club and Blue Velvet. What does he know?

BB– And loved Garfield, I believe.

SM– Well, that’s understandable. Bill Murray as a lasagna eating cat is fucking hilarious.

BB— This is truth.

SM— God, I’d burn down an orphanage on Christmas for some lasagna. Or to have these hallucinations stop. Either, or.

Conversations without context

“In the Future” … “Because we didn’t feel like picking a year.”

“Btw, I’ve never seen Thunderdome.”

“Yay gratuitous nudity!’

“Goddamn, she’s got some big ass titties.”

“This guy is like a villainous human Powerline.”