From the twisted minds of BB Ben and Sailor Monsoon comes a new collaborative review series called Double Impact! For these opinion pieces, we watch a film, discuss it, and then Sailor turns our drunken conversations into something legible and entertaining!
There is no rhyme or reason to the movie selection process, but don’t be surprised if we lean heavily on garbage action films (that’s right, Chuck Norris, the meme stops here).
Strap in, Exiles.
This is–Double Impact!
Film: Dark Night of the Scarecrow
Action/Horror Star: The bad guy from Darkman
Plot: In a small Southern town, a wrongfully-killed man exacts revenge on those who murdered him from beyond the grave.
Alcohol consumed: Sailor–not enough. Basement Bros– too much.
Basement Bros– Are you going to explain why there wasn’t a Double Impact last week or are we just gonna pretend the last Double Impact didn’t exist….
Sailor Monsoon– That doesn’t sound like “never talking about it again”, now does it, Ben?
Well we have to, scratch that. Scratch that harder than a DJ with the Michael J. Fox shakes. YOU have to tell them what you did. For the second goddamn time.
SM– It’s not my fault you don’t appreciate the fine art of practical jokin’. Nor is it my fault you’re too drunk to Google anything about the movie beforehand.
BB– I trusted you and I trusted the wheel.
SM– In my defense, the joke and the film itself, were both equally hilarious.
BB– You apologize worse than Kanye West.
BB– And explain what this movie is, you fucker.
SM– Well before I do, I need to establish that technically, it is a horror film. So I didn’t break any rules…
BB– Technically, I’m gonna shove all of my boot up your ass. No, BREAK it off in your ass.
SM– That’s just silly. Yeah it would suck having a grown man’s foot lodged in my ass but it would suck more to hobble around everyday with a fucking peg leg. Although pirates have peg legs and pirates DO get booty, so…jokes on me I guess.
BB– Jesus, I want to stab you.
SM– Alright alright. Calm your tits, you milk baby. Thunder Crack!, for the uninformed is an almost three hour porn parody that’s almost indescribable. Picture Rocky Horror Picture Show with actual sex and a plot that seems to go on forever.
BB– And a gorilla. There’s a sex hungry gorilla in it.
SM– He’s clearly the Rocky Horror in this analogy.
BB– But I’m not using that analogy because that analogy makes the film seem either fun or watchable. It is neither. And aggressively so.
BB– This feels like John Waters threw up in a rundown Halloween set AND then he shit his pants and left them there and then someone collected both and made a movie about them.
SM– You’re being waaaaay too harsh on this film. You didn’t like it because your mind wasn’t open to its brilliance.
BB– I didn’t like it because it’s 260 minutes of the least sexy shit imaginable. The porn was god awful. The acting was abysmal and the gorilla was a rape monster. Which I do not like.
SM– Alleged rape gorilla. And if memory serves, don’t they rape the gorilla too?
BB– Does the prospect of MORE rape make it better or worse?
SM– Speaking of rape gorillas, isn’t it crazy that the film Trading Places ends with gorilla rape? That’s a very weird note to end your film on.
BB– You’re not gonna change the subject. I won’t allow it.
BB– But yes, that ending is very weird. Off putting is also a word i’d use. It’s also weird that they use blackface. I feel like we’ve talked about this before.
SM– Did you know that Samuel L. Jackson is in it? Do you remember that? Isn’t that wild? Or that the film Go Gorilla Go that had negative zero gorillas in it? Good times.
BB– You son of a bitch. You ain’t weasel’n out of Thunder Crack!, goddamn it.
BB– And negative zero isn’t a thing, you…
90 minutes later
Typos left in for comedic effects
SM– Since you watched Thunder Crack! last week, I decided to spare you the original film I had planned.
BB– A Serbian Film? 120 Days of Sodom? Boo! A Madea Movie?
SM– You’re such a drama queen.
BB– What happened to the fucking wheel!? I just wanna know what the rules are. Because I feel like wheel or no wheel, I always end up getting fucked.
SM– The wheel is for action films. And, again, i’m watching these terrible movies too.
BB– Watching things high on “drizzup” doesn’t count.
SM— Don’t knock the thug lyfe, Ben. Ain’t nobody like a hater.
BB– I feel like half of Double Impact is me horse whipping you to stay on topic.
SM– Since we never talk about the movie, what the hell is the other half?
BB– Me, trying to decipher your unintelligible, drunken ramblings. It’s like the Da Vinci Code most of the time.
SM– Ok, no more tangents.
SM– Let’s get down to the business of brass tacks.
SM– What did you think of the movie?
BB– It’s really good. It’s crazy to me that this was a TV movie.
SM– It has a great cast of “that guy” actors, a pretty good pace and a fantastic horror villain costume.
BB– My only complaint is that it doesn’t deliver on it’s title but that’s a mild complaint.
SM– You want it to be about a guy dressed as a scarecrow killing people with a pitchfork and the film has no interest in giving you that.
BB– And I can’t fault it for creating a certain set of expectations that it doesn’t bother trying to deliver. It’s like being disappointed that there’s no pups in the film Reservoir Dogs.
SM– But it does kind of suck that the film never does anything with that costume.
BB– It’s so good, it should be a permanent Halloween staple.
SM– I would say, of the lesser known “monster masks”, this is right below the miner from My Bloody Valentine and right above the Prowler.
BB– I agree with that. And a pitchfork may not be the most intimidating weapon of all time but it is unique. Jason used it a couple of times but that’s about it.
SM– I’m trying to think of a tool or weapon that a slasher has never used before. A sledgehammer?
BB– Is that intimidating though? A hammer isn’t very scary.
SM– But think of the gore effects!
BB– That is another negative–no blood.
SM– Yeah. A girl gets attacked by dogs and a guy gets pushed into a wood chipper and nary a drop of red corn syrup to be found.
SM– But, to be fair–Halloween, Black Christmas and Texas Chainsaw Massacre all lack blood as well.
BB– That is true. I guess it’s them fucking expectations again.
SM– “Dark Night of the Scarecrow is like making love to a fat woman, it’s great if you lower your expectations.”
BB– That’s fucking terrible. I didn’t say that or infer it.
SM– “Dark Night of the Scarecrow is like getting a dog to lick peanut butter out of your asshole–don’t knock it till you try it.”
SM– “Dark Night of the Scarecrow is like hooking up with a furry, it’s not as bad as you’d think it would be but the costume is sorely under utilized.”
BB– I feel like you’re speaking from experience.
SM– For which one?
BB– All of them.
SM– Sizzurp ain’t no joke, son.