From the twisted minds of BB Ben and Sailor Monsoon comes a new collaborative review series called Double Impact! For these opinion pieces, we watch a film, discuss it, and then Sailor turns our conversation into something legible and entertaining!
There is no rhyme or reason to the movie selection process, but don’t be surprised if we lean heavily on garbage action films (that’s right, Chuck Norris, the meme stops here).
Strap in, Exiles.
This is–Double Impact!
Film: Double Impact
Action Star: Jean-Claude Van Damme
Tagline (that doubles as a plot synopsis): “Twin brothers, torn apart by violence. On a mission of revenge. One packs a punch. One packs a piece. Together they deliver… Double Impact.”
Review and Random Thoughts:
Basement Bros— I loved everything about this film. Except the plot.
Sailor Monsoon— It’s needlessly convoluted.
SM— I think we should preface this review by admitting that one of us was drunk and the other was swimming in a cocktail of Yoohoo and cough syrup.
BB— Also Agreed.
SM— I will also not name names but one of us might have been dealing with a cat in heat, while the other watched an illegal copy from Taiwan without English subtitles. So suffice it to say, 100% attention was not given to this film.
BB— For future reference, the Q-tip trick is a lie.
SM— I almost tried that once but I was afraid she’d move suddenly and it would break off inside her and that was a vet visit I really didn’t want to have to explain. I also was afraid she might like it too much, which would make every encounter with my cat feel like a one-night stand.
SM— Double Impact!
SM— Do you wanna take a crack at explaining the plot?
BB— Sure. There’s twins. There’s… wait. No. There’s baby twin Van Damme’s and then there’s a Yakuza hit and they get separated and their father [Editor’s Note: It was a bodyguard] has to separate them. One turns into a creepy yoga instructor with a penchant for salmon colored pants and the other turns into a gangster. They team up for unclear plot reasons.
SM— That sounds…
BB— REVENGE!! They team up for revenge. There’s also a car smuggling subplot and some romantic entanglements I didn’t understand.
SM— Before we watched the film, what percentage were you that the twins were going to fight at the end? Or at the very least, make out?
BB— I 100% thought they would fight, then realize they had a common enemy, and work together, like every superhero crossover. I almost forgot it was a possibility for them to fight because the movie spent so much more time focused on arbitrary bullshit. And now that you put that that idea in my head, I’m disappointed that twin dragons didn’t come together to form one dragon. If you know what I mean. A-Wink.
SM— I honestly thought there was going to be a betrayal and bad Van Damme was going to shoot the father. And speaking of creepy sex shit I didn’t want nor need to see, what did you think of the Wiseau-esque sex scene?
BB— I’m putting a pin in the father for now because we need to talk about the sex scene. And how *kisses fingers like a chef* sexy, yet restrained it was.
SM— Maybe it was the Nyquil. Maybe it Was the Yoohoo. Maybe it was both but it felt like it came out of nowhere and I’m not 100% sure I understand what was happening.
BB— I think one Van Damme knocked boots with the other Van Damme’s lady. Or maybe he’s imagining this is happening. But it’s equal parts too long, unnecessary and not long enough.
BB— Is that from the Predator?
SM— Yes. I couldn’t find a proper segue to work it in. So here it is.
BB— I ain’t even mad. It’s hilarious how miserable he is.
SM— I guess it’s time to talk about Geoffrey Lewis and more specifically, why he’s in this movie.
BB— He looks like that G.I. Joe I never played with.
BB— So, what rating do you give it out between 1-5 salmon pants?
SM— It’s funny but three unrelated people at three different times in my life were obsessed with the filmography of Van Damme. My step brother met his wife at a Van Damme fan club, my cousin tore a ligament in his leg trying to pull off his signature splits and an old drinking buddy of mine used to pop his films in while we drank. And even after a lifetime of Van Damme, I can’t remember a single thing about his films and I doubt I’ll remember anything about this one.
I give it 1.5 Scissor kicks to the face.
“This is quickly turning into Basement Bros mansplains Double Impact to Sailor.”
“Why wasn’t this called baby Van Dammes??”
“It seems like they’re just sabotaging shady dealings without actually gathering intel or arresting anyone…..”
So they work for America, then?”
“Every time i watch a terrible action movie, I ask myself “is this a parody?” And when it comes to Jan Claude Van Damme’s filmography, I never know.”