From the twisted minds of BB Ben and Sailor Monsoon comes a new collaborative review series called Double Impact! For these opinion pieces, we watch a film, discuss it, and then Sailor turns our drunken conversations into something legible and entertaining!
There is no rhyme or reason to the movie selection process, but don’t be surprised if we lean heavily on garbage action films (that’s right, Chuck Norris, the meme stops here).
Strap in, Exiles.
This is–Double Impact!
Action Star: Al Cliver (yeah, I don’t know who he is either)
Tagline (that doubles as a plot synopsis): “A future world where violence explodes in duels to the death.”
Review and Random Thoughts
Sailor Monsoon– Raiders of Atlantis or Endgame? You can choose or I can flip a coin.
Basement Bros– Heads its Raiders, tails its Endgame. Am I getting a quarter or are we using Google’s simulated coin flip?
SM– You saying my coins ain’t good enough for you?? Plus, I ain’t letting no bot choose what I’m watching. It’s bad enough I let them mine my data for cat videos and porn.
BB– With this film and last weeks Cyborg, that would be back to back post apocalyptic action films. Is that allowed? Shouldn’t we mix it up with a ninja thing or something starring an old, sad Charles Bronson?
SM– I flipped it. Strap in, we’re watching Endgame.
BB– Highlander 4?
SM– Pressing play now.
SM– The coin hath decided!
BB– What year is this? I got like 8 different movies.
BB– Found it. The poster was a dead giveaway.
SM– …..I immediately regret this.
BB– I had no idea this was a Troma film.
SM– They most likely only distributed it. There’s no way they produced a Italian film.
BB– I mean, Italian knock offs are bad but they’re not THAT bad.
SM– Before we get to the inevitable leather suited good guys and flamethrower wielding bad guys, what do you know about this film?
BB– Not much. I’m assuming there’s going to be….Wait, is this a Running Man ripoff??
SM– Looks like it. I love how every Italian knock off is Mad Max + blank. Mad Max + Running Man is the movie I never knew I needed. In fact, to properly celebrate this amazing revelation, I’m going to get some more booze inside of me.
BB– Didn’t you warn me before we started, that you were already “half in the bag?”
BB– At which point you preceded to go on a tangent on why the phrase “half in the bag” makes no sense and that it should be “half in the cup?” Because, and I’m quoting you, “who drinks hooch out of a bag? Cups hold liquids far better. I know people cover their slick in paper bags because of the open carry law or whatever but you’re not drinking it out of the bag. And what’s the deal with the bag in the first place? How is covering some booze in a paper bag supposed to deter winos?” Laws are dumb. Did you know Johnny Depp has a tattoo that reads “Wino forever?” Dumbass.
BB– 1. I’m including half of the ramblings in the article. 2. You were already obviously lit 15 minutes ago, you think you’ll be able to follow the film with drunken hazy eyes?
SM– Not only will I be able to follow it, I guarantee I’ll be able to follow it without the subtitles.
BB– There are no subtitles………
SM– I got this.
90 Minutes Later.
Typos will be left in for comedic effect.
BB– Well, that sure as fuck was a movie.
discotech disclosure, the beginning almost put me to Sherri sleep. In fact, I was nodding in and out.
BB– Oh. So you didn’t mean to write “Thr fee rydudux rhueces abd nazis. Hufi Boss.” Or “He’s only sgii5i v onxw at a tome be ahse rvw the ptop gu .”
SM– Full disclosure. I think the film
face gave me a syringe stroke.
BB– I’m going to go out on a limb and say it was less the film and more the dozen or so Bud Light Limes you sucked down your gullet.
SM– Tomato tomato.
SM– You know, the song. You [say] tomato, I say toe-mah-to. Even though nobody says po-tah-to.
BB– I will give you a case of that disgusting swill you like to drink, to hear you recap the events of this film. In order.
SM– First of all, nobody likes drinking Bud Light Lime. You do it
nexus because it’s cheap. Second of all, I’ll be hair happy to. It starts of as a Running Man rip off, slowly evolves into a typical Mad Mac Max clone and then inexplicably hard right ruins turns into Carrie territory. There’s also a dead men’s mermaid, a easier raoe rape, a gang of blind monks and a weird sounding biker. Oh and Ninja and Eyepatch.
BB– You’re making the film sound cooler than it already is and it’s already surprisingly awesome.
SM– Besides the cliche Hunger Games bullshit, the film is legitimately entertaining. I didn’t understand what the main character wanted but I could never predict where it was going. It
Kermit Merritt Jesuit merit kept ( good Good. God damn it to geek. Fuck it) thethrusting thrusting throwing crazy shit at you until you their throw your hands in the sure sue sure air in dirtier during surrender. Jesus Christ, I’m over it.
BB– I’m trying my God damnedest to Da Vinci code the fuck out of your unintelligible chicken scratch and I’m coming up empty.
SM– Well, I guess I’ll just
write write quote my third favorite cartoon tiger, “It’s Greeeeweeeat!”
BB– That’ll work.
Conversations without context
“I’m feeling like we’re going to be seeing a lot of this same tunnel.”
“How was that not a G.I Joe figure? A mutton chopped ninja that loves to karate slap fools–Judo Chop.”
“There needs to be more characters with eyepatches in film.”
“Shannon drives the banana splits buggy.”
“Why would they have the guy who’s missing an eye, operate the turret?”
“Why are there so many Italian ripoffs with the word “Bronx” in the title?”
“They’re not the greatest shots I’ve ever seen….
….They’re fucking blind, ya goof.”
And introducing our latest segment:
Sailor drunkingly predicts what’s going to happen less than five minutes before it does
“We need to see more mutants and titties.”
[Less than 10 seconds later we see a veritable cornucopia of titties and four minutes later we see the best looking mutant in the film]
“I bet she gets naked.”
“She’s wrapped tight.”
[Less than five minutes later, Basement Bros looked like a fool for doubting me]
“Booo. I want to see a barrage of Styrofoam rocks.”
[Again, less than two minutes later, that exact thing happened. And it was at this point in time, that Ben called me a drunken witch and started crying]