From the twisted minds of BB Ben and Sailor Monsoon comes a new collaborative review series called Double Impact! For these opinion pieces, we watch a film, discuss it, and then Sailor turns our drunken conversations into something legible and entertaining!
There is no rhyme or reason to the movie selection process, but don’t be surprised if we lean heavily on garbage action films (that’s right, Chuck Norris, the meme stops here).
Strap in, Exiles.
This is–Double Impact!
Film: Galaxy Destroyer aka Galaxy aka Battle for the Lost Planet aka Shit
Action Star: Nobody because there’s no fucking action in it.
Tagline (that doubles as a plot synopsis): “The invasion of alien creatures has begun.” Even the goddamn synopsis is boring.
Review and Random Thoughts
Sailor Monsoon– I’m shaking things up, put 15 numbers on the wheel!
Basement Bros– From 1-?
BB– Oh. Gotcha. (I’m tipsy.)
SM– In order to keep the suspense going, I created a new system to pick movies.
BB– Suspense for who? It ain’t for me because I could less (I’m tipsy) and it ain’t for whoever is reading this because they’ve already read the goddamn title.
SM– Maybe suspense is the wrong word. I guess I’m looking for more of a shut up.
BB– This has the potential to fuck us in the ass, doesn’t it?
SM– Almost definitely.
SM– Now pick a number between 1-5
It doesn’t need to be on the wheel.
SM– Not that number.
SM– Pick a number between 1 and 2.
SM– You picked: Battle for the Lost Planet.
BB– I have many questions. First, this system is stupid and you should feel ashamed of yourself. Second, is the wheel or the system allergic to good movies because I’m running low on booze and I can’t handle the shit you put me through sober. Third, again, everyone reading this already knows what the film is, so we went through this for nothing because I know you’re putting this in the article to pad the length. And lastly, do you have anymore Vodquil?
SM– All valid questions.
BB– I’m serious, Vodquil. I need it.
SM– I’m saying this as a friend, I think you have a drinking problem and you…
BB– Motherfucker, stop bogarting the hooch, you greedy bastard.
SM– Get you’re own sauce, you cheap bitch. Pressing play.
BB– Fuck your juice. I’ll find a way to get there. Believe you me, I’ll find a way.
[Ed. Note: Because Sailor finished the rest of his Vodquil and Basement Bros drank rubbing alcohol or some shit, most of the review was completely unusable. This was cobbled together from the most coherent passages.]
Typos left in for comedic effect.
SM– I knew I should’ve
rugged rigged the system.
BB– So the aliens are pigs? Or are they wearing
pug puff of pig. Masks like space Leatherfaces?
SM– You can tell they only made half masks because
pgs piss pics pusspugs puffs piga. pigs don’t wear mags masks.
BB– Is the
subs sound design by Aphex Twin?
BB– (RUBBER JOHNNY INTENSIFIES.)
BB– Bumfights. In. Spaaaace.
BB– I wish more mutants wore flannel.
with work today, one of the managers that can barely speak English, talked to an interpreter for fifteen minutes to help her figure out what she’s was trying to talk to me about. Which was dog mouths. She wanted to talk about dog mouths. I think she was trying to say snout but neither her or the interpreter could find someone to properly translate it.
BB– Dog mouth sounds like a sex position.
SM– When I was younger, I applied to be a taxidermist’s assistant and he actually gave me a job. I had to coat the corpse bones in a sugar type substance and pour ants on them to clean the bones.
BB– Bone. (Chuckles.)
SM– Dog Mouth.
BB– You ever watch that show Big Mouth?
SM– Not for long. I stopped due to the largess of the characters mouths. Their heads were too fucking huge .
BB– I think I’m about to start hallucinating.
BB– There’s definitely a guy standing behind me in the TVs reflection. It looks kind of
li Jr like a Babadook.
SM– I’m about to
pad pass out due to boredom. I’m cupping my left eye while writing and reading.
[Ed. Note: This is when it becomes ??]
BB– I like that he’s naked. Usually when potter people of the watchedan. Get arrested.
Disunity shy monster is kind of cool, I guess.
BB– My eyes are so bored, they’re eating themselves alive.
Fdbg fmbf The Ropom.m. billboard for Luke dice minutes.
SM– Mad Dig Dog
dog Heh 5 Stallone. and Tom Savini
BB– Like doned.
SM– There’s a movie. With a rape ghost. This is better
v than that I’ve.
BB– I LOL= Ladies on Lady.
SM– Just one bcc c. L. Z That’s before the last veggie . Whiz ur.
BB– I used to be addicted to cheese whiz.
Hiss hired how’s the ghost sustain situation?
BB– He left. B=ut now I can’t find
SM– Even a drunk knows when to run away. No tits again.
After the 45 minute mark, we became far too inebriated to continue writing. I passed out and I believe Basement Bros was eaten by that ghost. Rest in piece buddy. You deserved better than Battle for the Lost Planet.