From the twisted minds of BB Ben and Sailor Monsoon comes a new collaborative review series called Double Impact! For these opinion pieces, we watch a film, discuss it, and then Sailor turns our drunken conversations into something legible and entertaining!
There is no rhyme or reason to the movie selection process, but don’t be surprised if we lean heavily on garbage action films (that’s right, Chuck Norris, the meme stops here).
Strap in, Exiles.
This is–Double Impact!
Film: Go Gorilla Go
Action Star: Italian guy
Tagline (that doubles as a plot synopsis):…there is none. This movie can’t do anything right.
Review and Random Thoughts
Typos left in for comedic effect
Sailor Monsoon– I was fucking around the bottomless hell void that is Amazon Prime movies and I stumbled across what I believe to be a gem. A 24k carrot gem.
Basement Bros– Very nice. We’ll add it to the wheel. Oh and it’s karat. And gems aren’t graded on that scale, only gold.
SM– No time. Our eyeballs need this immediately.
SM– And hush up them fucking flap lips, you broke ass Mr. Wizard.
BB– Are you breaking the rules, again?
BB– Why am I not shocked?
SM– So much sass and so little confidence. You’ll be singing a different tune once you hear the name of the film we’ll be watching.
BB– Ok. Lemme hear the name of this 24k gem.
SM– Go Gorilla Go.
BB– Ok. You’ve sold me.
SM– I fucking told you. Always fucking doubting me.
BB– You know, I hate to admit it but when you’re right, you’re right.
90 minutes later
BB– You were not right.
SM– How the fuck was I supposed to know a film with the word gorilla in the title would contain exactly zero fucking gorillas?
BB– Wait, you didn’t Google it beforehand!?
SM– I didn’t want to spoil the mystery.
BB– The mystery of what? The plot? How is knowing basic information a negative?
SM– These are a valid questions but the real question you should be asking is, why the fuck is this film called Go Gorilla Go!?
BB– I don’t fucking know. Why is Reservoir Dogs called Reservoir Dogs? It ain’t got no reservoirs and there ain’t no dogs. This could’ve been avoided two hours ago with 30 seconds on Google.
SM– You know what? I remember what happened now* I did Google it but a different film popped up when I did and I think I got my wires crossed.
*Alcohol is a cruel bitch who’s always in heat.
BB– I’m starting to think it’s less the alcohol and more the shit your mixing with the alcohol that’s stir frying your brain into BBQ.
SM– 1. If Cocktail has taught me anything, it’s that you can mix vodka with anything. Anything, except love.
BB– What foreign poster did you
the steak steak steal that educators ridiculous bullshit from? And you really need t8 to get out of the habit of making a list and stripping stopping it at 1.
SM– 2. Read em and weep:
BB– That instantly made my night even worse. So you’re telling me, there’s a film out there about a baseball playing gorilla, that you accidentally found but we ended up watching the one that didn’t have the gorilla instead?? If the intent was always to find a movie about a gorilla, why didn’t you just hedge your bets? The film you weren’t looking for became the film you wanted but you just had to throw them dice one more time.
SM– I feel like we’re getting too hung up on the how’s and the why’s of the decision making process and not enough time on the film itself. Mistakes were made but instead of dwelling on the past, let’s focus our attention on the actual movie.
BB– You ain’t slick. You’re not getting yourself outta this hole. I don’t care how hard you dig up.
SM– Go Gorilla Go (aka The Hired Gun) is a 1975 action film about Marco Sartori (Fabio Testi), a hired bodyguard (aka a “gorilla”) of the manufacturer Gaetano Sampioni, who is blackmailed by mysterious criminals. And then eurocrime stuff happens.
BB– Just gonna sandbag me, eh? Two can play this game.
BB– Before watching this, I went to see 2001: A Space Odyssey at IMAX. 2001 is about a dick ass operating system that fucks with two astronauts for about 7000 minutes, all played out in real time and cavemen that evolved into man thanks to an alien monolith. There’s a space baby and a guy in the audience freaked the fuck out during the space travel scene. He sounded like a whale dying from an intense orgasm.
SM– The film could best be described as the diet cola version of the film Heat, with it’s myriad of characters who weave in and out of the story and with both films having a strong emphasis on the criminal lifestyle. There are car chases, violence, suspense and romance–Italian style.
BB– What the fuck are you talking about? You know goddamn well you have no fucking idea what happened in this film.
BB– I will actually bet you digital movie codes that past the first five minutes, you have no clue as to what happens in this film.
SM– Digital movie codes? I couldn’t describe this films actual plot if you payed me in a lifetime supply of Beyoncé blow jobs.
SM– The “gorilla” is hired to protect someone maybe? Figure out who’s blackmailing his boss? Rescue someone? I have literally no fucking idea and I swear on the ghost of David Bowie, I was giving the film at least 65% of my attention.
SM– There was a pretty cool elevator gag and a pretty decent car chase at the end but that’s pretty much it. Oh and a vending machine/slot machine that pays out bullets.
BB– There’s a scene early on, that’s so great, it bought the film fifteen minutes of my undivided attention. It never lived up to that scene again.
SM– The slap?
BB– The main character and the young woman he’s hired to follow/protect are getting into an argument because she’s tired of being shadowed. She’s giving him the business and then, all of a sudden, she slaps him. He turns the other cheek and when she raises her hand to hit him, he grabs her hand and backhands her with her own hand so hard, her panties evaporate in a mist of pussy vapor. They go from fighting to immediate lovers after he hits her. With her own hand.
SM– So what you’re saying is, this film was better than 2001 and that Kubrick was also fat cuck? Because it’s been a while since I’ve seen it but I don’t remember HAL getting anyone’s pussy drip’n.
BB– You know what, you ain’t wrong. I guess that proves Kubrick was a talentless hack fraud. #SailorAlwaysKnows.
SM– Finally, a hashtag I can get behind.
BB– I was being facetious. You’re an idiot and this film was trash. Oh and 2001 was fine. I can’t speak to Kubricks cuckness, however. Eyes Wide Shut does look like the work of a cuck. Just saying.
SM– “Kubrick was a cuck”–Basement Bros 2018.
BB– Y Tho?
SM– Someone needs to pay for this film.
BB– You’re the one who fucked up!
SM– But now history will see the cuck comment and forget the fuck up. Its called a power play, sucka.
BB– I hate you.
“Kubrick was a cuck”–Basement Bros 2018.