From the twisted minds of BB Ben and Sailor Monsoon comes a new collaborative review series called Double Impact! For these opinion pieces, we watch a film, discuss it, and then Sailor turns our drunken conversations into something legible and entertaining!
There is no rhyme or reason to the movie selection process, but don’t be surprised if we lean heavily on garbage action films (that’s right, Chuck Norris, the meme stops here).
Strap in, Exiles.
This is–Double Impact!
Film: Missing in Action
Action Star: Chuck Norris
Tagline (that doubles as a plot synopsis): “The war’s not over till the last man comes home!”
Review and Random Thoughts
Sailor Monsoon– How familiar were you with the history of this film before watching it?
Basement Bros– You mean, Vietnam?
SM— No (insert shaking head gif here)
BB— I know Cannon [Editor’s Note: Cannon was a 80’s powerhouse that produced the cheesiest garbage of the decade. They were glorious] made it for about five dollars and cocaine.
SM— Yes. This and the sequel were shot at the same time.
BB— The Shaw Bros [Editor’s Note: The Shaw Bros were, at one time, the most successful Chinese film studio, producing over 1,000 films. Most of them Kung-fu action flicks] used to film about five films at the same time. Reusing sets, actors and props. I know this, but can’t remember social studies….stuff.
SM— The reason the sequel is actually a prequel, is because this was actually the sequel.
BB— (Head explodes gif)…What?
SM— The producers realized during the making of them, that Missing in Action 2: The Beginning (which was supposed to be the first one) was turning into a shit show, so they brilliantly decided to shelve it for a year because no one would’ve seen this one, if the other one came out first.
BB— That’s actually clever.
SM— Incompetence put their ass in the fire and cocaine got them out.
BB— I have a question. If Chuck Norris is supposedly the king of badasses, so much so, that he’s inspired a million “facts” dedicated to his feats of badassitude, why does he star in so many shitty fucking movies?
SM— Schwarzenegger and Stallone fought over the prime cuts, Van Damme and Lundgren got the gristle and Norris and Seagal ended up with the bones.
BB— There’s some meat on this bone.
SM— Yeah, M. Emmett Walsh and James Hong. Two actors who couldn’t give a bad performance if they tried.
BB— The anti-Norris.
SM— I guess one of us should summarise the plot for those who haven’t seen it.
BB— Rambo 2 directed by the guy who made the third or fourth best Friday the 13th movie.
SM— There really isn’t much more to it than that. And I’m actually mad you brought up the director because I’d much rather talk about The Prowler or Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter or Invasion U.S.A. over this.
BB— We can turn this review into a discussion on The Prowler. We, like He-Man, have the power.
SM— As tempting as that is, I’m already committed to this. It’s like accidentally ordering the wrong thing at a restaurant. You’re locked in. You have to live with the terrible mistake.
BB— This is better than most Norris films.
SM— That is true. It’s not the worst film ever made and for a Rambo knock off, it could definitely be worse. It’s better than Deadly Prey and Strike Commando but not as good as Uncommon Valor. And it’s nowhere near as good as Thunder. Obviously.
SM— Thunder was the Italian rip-off. There was three of them and while the quality dips after each subsequent entry, it’s still a fun as fuck franchise to get drunk to.
BB— Speaking of getting drunk, if I were to take a shot after every utterance of the word Braddock, I’d be drunk–er.
SM— They seem to be trying to make it the next cool name in action.
BB— Did you know Fleming’s original intent with James Bond, was to create the coolest character ever, with the lamest name imaginable?
SM— I did and I’d say he failed miserably.
BB— If he wanted to name him something dumb, why didn’t he go with Horatio Heidelberg or Timmy Tulip?
SM— Or Carlos Ray Norris.
BB— *Drunkenly tries to make an air horn sound but ends up throwing up in his mouth instead*
SM— That seems as good a place as any to wrap it up. Between 1-5 Adventure Man’s, what would you rank this?
BB— 2.5. It’s fine but nothing special. Adventure Man??
BB— I don’t know what’s crazier: the shit that doll clearly witnessed or the fact that you know so much about Rambo knock offs.
SM— I started googling things while waiting for the film’s plot to get interesting. I ended up googling a lot of things.
BB— You should’ve just turned the boredom into a drinking game.
SM— I didn’t want to die from alcohol poisoning.
Conversations Without Context
“Is there anything worse than Norris without a mustache or beard?”
“Yeah, his acting.”
“It’s funny that he’s watching Spider-Man and Friends because Cannon almost made a Spider-Man film.”
“Even if it turned out as bad as Superman IV, it still would’ve been better than the Amazing Spider-Man 2.”
“Walker, Texas Ranger. More like Talker, Vietnam boring.”
“You want another shot at that?”
“Nope. Nailed it.”