[Double Impact] ‘Mr. No Legs’ (1978)

From the twisted minds of BB Ben and Sailor Monsoon comes a new collaborative review series called Double Impact! For these opinion pieces, we watch a film, discuss it, and then Sailor turns our drunken conversations into something legible and entertaining!

There is no rhyme or reason to the movie selection process, but don’t be surprised if we lean heavily on garbage action films (that’s right, Chuck Norris, the meme stops here).

Strap in, Exiles.

This is–Double Impact!

Film: Mr. No Legs

Action Star: One of the guys from The Dirty Dozen. Or Ron Howard’s father. Take your pic.

Tagline (that doubles as a plot synopsis): “Don’t cross him or he’ll cut you down to size.”


Review and Random Thoughts


Sailor Monsoon– Raiders of Atlantis, Mister Deathman, Space Amoeba or Mr. No legs?

Basement Bros– Flip a 3-sided die?

SM– What the hell is a 3-sided die? Plus, there’s four films.

BB– ….. 4-sided die?

SM– Where the hell are you getting these weird ass dice pieces from? You play’n Dungeons and Dragons or something?

BB– Where the hell are you getting these weird ass movies from?

SM– Tou-fucking-ché.

BB– And Vin Diesel plays Dungeons and Dragons and he was kind of cool…once.

SM– I heard his film the Last Witch Hunter was based on his D&D character. Which is a whole ‘nother level of nerd.

BB– They should make a cinematic universe based on all his hit characters. XXX, bald guy, fast car guy, bald cop, Groot and witch hunter. They should call it ‘The Diesel Express.’ I’d watch that.

SM– 1. Basement Bros is drunk. 2. I’d also watch that. 3. You’re stalling.

BB– 1. I’m not drunk…yet. 2. You pick!

SM– I can’t. I don’t own any weird dice.

BB–……They’re not weird! They’re practical!

SM– Mhmm. I’m not judging.

BB–

SM– Mister Deathman won?

BB– Yessir.

SM– Oh no.

BB– What’s “oh no?” Why is it on the board, if it’s an “oh no” movie!!?

SM– All I’m saying is, they can’t all be winners. That’s the gamble.

BB– I don’t understand this system. Why can’t they all be winners?

SM– I don’t make the rules, BB.

BB– The random Google lottery has decided our fates then. It’s law. It’s destiny.

SM– That is correct.

BB– Ready to press play.

SM– That is, of course, unless you want to watch Mr. No Legs.

BB– You mean, break the system and it’s laws?

SM– I’m saying, let’s be like a couple of Brando’s and go buckwild.

BB– I don’t understand the reference but I’m down.


90 Minutes Later


SM– Remember, like, one hundred years ago, when I said “let’s be like a couple of Brando’s and go buckwild.” And we both had a good laugh at the funny thing I said?

BB– I’m assuming the way you’re going to edit this conversation, it’s only going to be about five seconds ago, so yes.

SM– We broke the system and it’s laws and it cursed us. We fucked up.

BB– That we did.

SM– Because Rance Howard was in this, I unintentionally kept using his sons narration from Arrested Development as an internal monologue that would keep reminding me how bad this was every five minutes or so. “He thought he was going to see a man with no legs kill a bunch a dudes–He wouldn’t.” “He thought the guy the film was named after would be the main character–It wasn’t.” “On the next episode of Arrested Development: Sailor and BB concoct a crazy plan to rig the system to watch an action packed hidden gem–It wouldn’t be.”

BB– I believe my internal monologue told me to either take a nap or make a sammich. I opted for the latter. I slightly regret not picking the option that would’ve let me do both.

SM– I know. You left me alone to fester in my rage, while you were off making the worlds largest fucking sandwich.

BB– I take pride in my sammichs. Ain’t no half ass’n here, boy.

SM– I have no idea how I’m going to format this article. More than half of it is me screaming into the void of nothingness while you’re away playing Fortnite or some shit.

BB-– I done told you I was cooking up a sammich. I glanced at the TV occasionally. Plus, who the fuck over the age of 12 plays Fortnite?

SM– Who still plays Dungeons and Dragons!!

BB– I totally don’t because I’m super cool but like I mentioned earlier, Vin Diesel. Don’t you take your No Legs anger out on me!

SM– I’m starting to think the rage virus in 28 Days Later evolved from the people who were forced to watch this.

BB– I don’t understand how it sucks so bad. It has all the elements: a film written by the co-creator of Flipper and directed by the guy who played the Creature from the Black Lagoon and starring a no-legged black belt in karate who uses his wheelchair to murderize all the bitches.

SM– Sarcasm aside, it’s very easy to fuck this up. Don’t make Mr. No Legs the lead.

BB– Which is baffling.

SM– They’re leaving garbage trucks worth of money on the table.

BB– The film catfished us.

SM– The funny thing is, even though I watched the entire thing, you have a better chance of guessing this films plot than I do and again, I saw the entire. fucking. thing.

BB– Two mustaches with badges investigate the murder of one of their sisters, who’s staged overdose points them to a drug organization lead by a man who’s bodyguard is Mr. No Legs. Cops vs. Criminals vs. No Legs against stairs. Action eventually happens.

SM– You read the Wikipedia page, didn’t you?

BB– I skimmed it.

SM– I bet that was more entertaining than this film.

BB– It was only 35 words.

SM– Than it was definitely better than this film.


And introducing our latest segment:

Sailor almost loses his goddamn shit while watching this movie


“This is a very convoluted plan to sell drugs. Is somebody going to hang them from an open trench coat or some shit?? It’s five minutes into the film and I’m already lost.”

“Woah, Mr. No Legs is badass!”

“Where’s Mr. No Legs?” 

“What’s happening? Where’s the action I was promised?”

[Basement Bros is making a sammich]

“They better be stealing that woman’s legs to feed to Mr. No Legs.” 

“I’m so mad at the lack of wheelchair related murder, I’m going blind with rage.”

“I’m guessing this review is going to be me getting increasingly more and more irate at the lack of no legs. (Prophecy fulfilled.)

[Basement Bros is still making a sammich]

“The amount of legs in this movie is too damn high!”

“I was sold a bill of goods for ‘no legs action’ and every mother fucker in this movie has legs.”

“This film reminds me of that Crispin Glover gag in Hot Tub Time Machine,
where you wait the entire movie to see how he loses his arm.
But that used audience anticipation for comedic effect. This is just blue balls.

[Basement Bros is still making a sammich]

“I swear to god, if i see one more motherfucker with legs walk past the screen…”

“……I’m going feed 1000 kittens to crocodiles.”

“Oh there he is. No Legs looks like Jeremy Renner with coke bloat.”

“But he does nothing. Fight motherfuckers with karate or blast em with your shotties.” Please God, let him do something.”

“Did the goddamn dolphin from Flipper actually write this??”

“Oh thank god. There’s a car chase.”

“……A really long car chase.”

“What the fuck is this?? They killed off Mr. No Legs with 20 minutes left and they decided to fill those minutes with a car chase??”

“I’m losing my goddamn mind. BB, where in the goddamn fuck are you!!?”

[Basement Bros is still making a sammich]