[Double Impact] ‘My Bloody Valentine 3D’ (2009)

From the twisted minds of BB Ben and Sailor Monsoon comes a new collaborative review series called Double Impact! For these opinion pieces, we watch a film, discuss it, and then Sailor turns our drunken conversations into something legible and entertaining!

There is no rhyme or reason to the movie selection process, but don’t be surprised if we lean heavily on garbage action films (that’s right, Chuck Norris, the meme stops here).

Strap in, Exiles.

This is–Double Impact!

Film: My Bloody Valentine

Action Star: Russell Stovers and tits

Tagline (that doubles as a plot synopsis): “Get your heart broken”


Review and Random Thoughts

Typos left in for comedic effect


Sailor Monsoon– Since I’ve subjected you to a number of terrible films in the last couple of months, I’ve decided to relinquish my authority and hand the movie picking power over to you.

Basement Bros– I…I don’t know what to do with this information. This knowledge. This unlimited power.

SM– It ain’t unlimited. It’s one time only.

BB– Normally I would bitch about getting fucked over, again but beggars can’t be choosers.

SM– That’s right, they can’t. They also can’t bitch if the film sucks.

BB– You got it all figured out, don’t you Mr. Wizard?

SM– I always thought it was weird that Mr. Wizard was just a mr and not a doctor. Because in my head–thanks in large part to comics–everyone who was smart was a doctor or vice versa. Especially scientists. Hell, even Dr Pepper has a degree. Get off your ass and graduate from the academy of science and wizardy already, you fucking slacker.

BB– Dr. Wizard sounds like either the world’s greatest or the world’s worst prog rock band. There’s no in between.

SM– I could even see it being the name of an 80’s wrestler. With an extra long lab coat that turns into a wizard robe and breakers of some sort of liquid in his front pocket. And a Gandalf hat.

BB– There could be a storyline where he turns Jake the Snake’s boa into a chicken or makes the Hulksters shirt unrippable.

SM– No ripped shirts, no Hulkamania. Which is the only way to stop a hulk from running wild on you.

BB– 

BB– *Cough*

SM–

SM– *Coughs harder*

BB– 

BB– *Coughs hardest*

SM– 

SM– *Cough intensifies*

BB– 

BB– *Cough level over 9000*

SM– Woah woah woah. Slow your goddamn role. We got like, 8 more terrible things we can start shitting on before we get to Rock ‘N’ Wrestling. In fact, I’d argue, it’s the single best thing he did outside of the ring.

BB– But those 8 things are either racist or involve his penis. Or both. None of which are fun but you’re right. I apologize.

SM– When I woke up today, I didn’t expect I’d spend 30 minutes* clowning on the Hulkster but here we are.

*A lot of editing goes into the making of a Double Impact.

BB– Ok. Since I’m the all powerful movie boy, I say we watch a horror movie this time.

SM– It’s your rodeo, chief.

BB– My reasoning is– even if it’s terrible, a shitty horror film is usually entertaining. A shitty action film is usually just a poorly made drama with not enough kicks in them.

SM– Sound logic.

SM– You pick the films and I’ll make the wheel.

BB– 

SM– Alrighty. I’m whittling down the ones I know won’t be fun. But I don’t know most of these, so we’re going in blind.

SM– 

BB– Original?

SM– Damn. Good question. I think Amazon has the original.

BB– Looks like it only has the remake.

SM– You know what, I’m fine with that. I remember digging it.

BB– 3D titties here we come.


90 minutes later


SM– I believe, if you’re not hint going to be scary, you better be entrusting entertaining. No one on the planet would be scared of this film but what it lacks in sppoks sons spooks, it makes up for in thrills. I would put this in the top twenty most entertaining horror films.

BB– It really knows how to play to its audience. Besides the copious amounts of gratuitous nudity, it has an inventive kill every ten minutes. And that ten mins minutes starts after the beginning hospital massacre and the mine attack. It his his hits the ground running.

SM– It’s more than just “gratuitous nudity.” It has the most naked woman to ever appear in a film. And I know what I’m talking about. I’ve seen at least 5 Emmanuelle films.

BB– Who do you think is more naked: Betsy Rue in this or Rosario Dawson in Trance?

SM– That’s a legitimately tough question.

BB– It’s a trick question because the answer is: everybody wins.

SM– Very true.

SM– The original is, in my opinion, one of the best slashers of the 80’s. It’s a man mean little flick that delivers on the gore. The remake removes the meanness, adss adda adds a fuck ton more boobies and delivers even more gore. Plus, the miner should be an iconic slasher. He looks cool and has a unique kill weapon.

BB– There’s no reason why either the Irish original or the teenage remake didn’t start a franchise. He’s far cooler looking than Leprechaun or Jigsaw, that’s for sure.

SM– Plot symposia synopsis time. Jensen Ackles (aka guy from Supernatural)  returns to his hometown on the anniversary of the Valentine’s day massacre to sell his family’s mine. Coincidentally, right when he shows up, the murders start happening again. Is he to blame or is someone trying to finish what they started ten years ago?

BB– Are we going to get into spoilers? Because the killer is something I kind of want to talk about.

SM– I’m assuming you want to talk about the cage?

BB– Yes. The film really doesn’t put any effort into explaining how the killer is doing what he’s doing.

SM– No it doesn’t ahs and while it’s a huge oversight, I’m fine with it.

SM– And without getting too spoilery, it isn’t nearly as bad as High Tension. Which has a third act reveal that is so bad, it nearly kills the film.

BB– Agreed.

SM– I also love that they didn’t kill him off.

BB– They b really wanted a sequel. Did you notice the Guest rooted ripped off this films ending?

SM– Shamelessly. It’s almost the exact same closing shot.

BB– If you’re going to rip off something, it might as well be the best.

SM– You know what they should do? Blumhouse should buy the rights dirt cheap and give Nic Cage–who recently said he wanted to work with them– a call.

BB– As a sheriff or the killer?

SM– Both.

BB– Take. My. Money. Now.


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