[Double Impact] ‘Raiders of Atlantis’ (1983)

From the twisted minds of BB Ben and Sailor Monsoon comes a new collaborative review series called Double Impact! For these opinion pieces, we watch a film, discuss it, and then Sailor turns our drunken conversations into something legible and entertaining!

There is no rhyme or reason to the movie selection process, but don’t be surprised if we lean heavily on garbage action films (that’s right, Chuck Norris, the meme stops here).

Strap in, Exiles.

This is–Double Impact!

Film: Raiders of Atlantis

Action Star: Christopher Connelly but the real star is Tony King.

Tagline (that doubles as a plot synopsis): “Adventure beyond the edge of time…Action unlike any this side of Mad Max and Rambo.”


Review and Random Thoughts


Sailor Monsoon– The Ninja Mission, Raiders of Atlantis, The Man from Hong Kong and Roboman Hakaider.

Basement Bros– Raiders of Atlantis.

SM– No, you drunk fool. You don’t pick. You add them to the wheel.

BB– I feel like we should pick like 10 and keep them on the wheel and only replace the one we pick.

SM– The system is law.

BB– But there’s very little variation….

SM– The. System. Is. Law.

BB–

BB– I didn’t cheat.

SM– Well, I wouldn’t have thought you did until you said that.

BB– You calling me a cheat? You saying I’m rigging the wheel??

SM– All I’m saying is, you’re lucky my challenging slap’n gloves are at the laundromat. Or it would be pistols at dawn.

BB– Well you’re lucky I can’t find my challenge accepting slap-back’n gloves or it would be knives at dusk.

SM– Well YOU’RE lucky I have a crippling addiction to cocaine because I just pawned my pistols for drug money.

BB– Knock knock.

SM– Who’s there?

BB– Uer.

SM– Uer who?

BB– Uer lucky I don’t want my bitch correcting knives to get rust, or I’d bleed you.

SM– I’m not answering the door. How about that?

BB– I’d find a window.

SM– Well, lucky for me, I’m poor and my place of residence has no windows. I’m… I’m in a bad place. I’ve hit rock bottom. Again. I’m turning tricks to keep the lights on and I’m spending all my food money on crack cocaine. These cheesy B movies are the only thing keeping me….

BB– Pressing play now.


90 Minutes Later


BB– The craziest aspect of this film isn’t the blatant Mad Max thievery or its nonsensical plot but the fact that it has a 4.8 on IMDB.

SM– Two things: 1. Because of the director’s track record and it’s low score on IMDB, I took precautions (winky face) in case it turned out terrible (winky face.)

BB– I’m fully aware of how high you are.

SM– Woah woah woah. Pump the breaks. I didn’t say I took anything illegal. (Winky face.)

BB– You just said you suck dick for nose candy. That’s two illegal things in one. Plus, isn’t it legal everywhere?

SM– I don’t think the government will ever make what I just took legal.

BB– Do I want to know?

SM– Probably not but it’s toads. I licked hallucinogenic secretions off of toads.

BB– Where did you find these drug toads?

SM– What are you talking about? Frogs are everywhere. Just pick one up and take the trip.

BB– Only certain toads secrete the trippy shit and they’re in rainforests. You’re probably going to get warts on your tongue now, you dumbass.

SM– …….God damn it. Well, at least they were delicious.

BB– What was the second thing?

SM– Huh?

BB– Scroll up.

SM– Oh yeah. I don’t remember.

BB– How did you forget?? You’re not high!

SM– Well, the garbage frogs might not of did it but my combination of Nyquil plus vodka did.

BB– You need to talk to somebody.

SM–

SM– It’s delicious.

BB– How are you even still alive?

SM– Barely.

BB– Raiders of Atlantis.

SM– I truly believe, if this had a better plot or had a name actor in it, this film would be a classic. This is more entertaining than 90% of every film made by Chuck Norris, Jean Claude Van- Damme, Steven Seagal and Dolph Lundgren. Combined.

BB– It’s non stop action.

SM– I never knew what was happening at any given time but I was never bored. It was explosion porn: the movie.

BB– You wanna play rock, papers, scissors to describe the plot?

SM– That sounds fair.

SM–BB (In unison)– Rock.

BB–SM (In unison)– Paper.

BB–SM (In unison)– Scissors.

SM–BB (In unison)– Shoot!

SM– What the fuck is that?

BB– That’s a bomb. Bomb blows up everything. Nuclear winter, bitch.

SM– Why do I keep falling for this?

BB– I’m going to go out on a limb and say it’s because of the Vodquil.

SM– You’re not wrong. Ok. Where to begin. The long and short of it is, scientists try and resurface a sub with science (the reason is never given) and they some how bungle it so hard, that they unintentionally raise Atlantis. Which brings with it Mad Max inspired road gangs that kill everything.

BB– That’s the gist but It’s far more convoluted than that.

SM– It really feels like there’s one crucial scene they either forgot to shoot or that got accidentally cut out because I have a  feeling the plot is supposed to be like Ghosts of Mars. I feel like the biker gang that suddenly shows up out of nowhere  aren’t Atlantians per say but are people possessed by the spirits of dead Atlantians.

BB– That actually makes far more sense than the movie itself.

SM– It also feels like it’s edited out of order. There are scenes that only make sense if they happened BEFORE Atlantis rose.

BB– I just think the director was directing like his ass was on fire and delivered a film before investors realized there is no nudity in it.

SM– I kept checking my non existent watch and it was always tits o’clock. It must have been broken but there isn’t even the hint of a titty.

BB– The film even introduces two new female characters we were certain were going to get naked and the film immediately disposes of them in gruesome fashion.

SM– It has no nudity, which is surprising but it makes up for it in crazy stunts, explosive action, two likable characters and a zombie film like tone. Setting aside the ridiculous premise, it feels like if Romero directed Assault on Precinct 13 or if Carpenter directed Death Wish 3 but on a 200 dollar budget.

BB– 4.8. 4 point fucking 8 on IMDB. This is at least a 7 in my book.

SM– On the IMDB scale, I’d say 6. On my scale? It’s definitely a C+. Maybe even a B-. I just wish it had a better plot.

BB– And titties.

SM– Well, that’s a given. All films need titties.

BB– Even Schindler’s List?

SM– Especially Schindler’s List.


Conversations without context


“ITS A BUFFET OF MAYHEM!”

“They should’ve gotten a more intimidating guy to play crystal skull but that mask is legit.”

“She, uh… probably isn’t getting naked.”

“I now expect another action scene in less than 5 minut– OH SHIT.”

“Our naked chances are plummeting, but they’re making up for it with carnage.”

“Or I just have a Geisha thing.”

“There’s no way to sell this film without sounding like a used car salesman
‘It’s got thrills. It’s got spills. It’s got chills. It’s got stunts. It’s got action. No nudity but it’s got explosions.”

“Atlanteans are dank trolls.”