From the twisted minds of BB Ben and Sailor Monsoon comes a new collaborative review series called Double Impact! For these opinion pieces, we watch a film, discuss it, and then Sailor turns our drunken conversations into something legible and entertaining!
There is no rhyme or reason to the movie selection process, but don’t be surprised if we lean heavily on garbage action films (that’s right, Chuck Norris, the meme stops here).
Strap in, Exiles.
This is–Double Impact!
Action Star: Peter fucking Weller
Tagline (that doubles as a plot synopsis): “Part man. Part machine. All cop.”
Review and Random Thoughts
Typos left in for comedic effect
Sailor Monsoon– Today is the day we give the people what they want. No more blue balls. No more socks for Christmas. We’re only putting triple A action masterpieces on the wheel.
Basement Bros– Sounds like I might not need to drink today. I mean, I’m still gonna but I appreciate it not being mandatory.
SM– Nothing for nothing but I’m out of Nyquil, so I added vodka to blue cherry Gatorade. I thought they would be comparable. They are not.
BB– Two things: 1. That actually sounds delicious. 2. Is “Nothing for nothing” an actual phrase or are you already drunk?
SM– I’m 40% drunk. And I feel like it is. It popped into my head, so I said it. I don’t analyze the shit I say.
BB– That explains a lot.
SM– Cherry is a taste I understand. You put cherry flavored things into anything and I can discern its taste.
I don’t know what blue is.
My brain is desperately trying to figure it out and my best guess is “incorrect raspberry.”
BB– Well, while you try and figure the contents of the thing you just put in your mouth, why don’t you hit me with the list. Kill two birds with one berry.
SM– Boysenberry? Huckleberry? Mulberry? I’ve just realized, there’s an entire world of berries I’ve missed out on.
BB– You’re pontificating more than usual. Give me that list before you pass out.
SM– Pass out? I have enough sugary antioxidants in my system from all the Gatorades I’ve consumed today, that my piss could make a sloth outrun Usain Bolt. I’m wired
BB– I don’t think that’s how that works.
SM– Of course
itnis. It is. Go Google a book some time.
SM– You don’t know
SM– Cobra. Last action hero. Conan. Demolition man. Blade. Enter the Dragon
Shoot em up. The A-team. The losers. The Road Warrior. Die Hard. Lethal Weapon.
XXX 3. The Crow. Mad Max: Fury Road. Conan 2. Robocop. Blade 2. Robocop 2. Chuck Norris?
BB– You weren’t kidding. Those are films I’ve actually heard about. I mean, who could forget that film by Chuck Norris. A masterpiece if there ever was one.
SM– I’m actually excited for this. I’ve been meaning to re-watch it myself. Besides the
durian accordion arms, I don’t think there’s a single thing that She’s She’s doesn’t hold up.
BB– Even the
geeky herky jerky stop-motion effects?
SM– I think that’s
delicate deliberate. Verhoeven is commenting on [blank].
[Pretend I said something smart. In fact,
do go ahead and edit it to make it seem like I said something about the creators cheapness of the government when it comes to human life. Something like that.]
BB– I’ve never edited a single one of these articles. What the fuck are you talking about?
SM– You’re goddamn right you don’t. You’d Edward Scissorhands this shit to cut out my brilliance and give you the gold.
BB– Gold sh’mold. The only
good good gold I want from you, is that bottle of Goldschlager.
SM– You’re not get’n my Schnapps, goddamn it.
BB– Did you know the little gold bits are designed to cut your throat, so that the alchohol goes straight into your bloodstream, getting you drunk quicker?
SM– Is that true?
BB– No you dumbass. Gold is a dull metal.
Giggle Google a book sometime.
SM– Well played Sir douche, well played.
BB– About to press play.
SM– Shit. It’s still loading.
SM– Shit. It’s saying I have insufficient bandwidth.
BB– You don’t own it?
SM– I don’t own everything!
BB– Well, now what?
SM– Don’t worry. I have an idea.
Film: Robo Vampire 2: The Devil’s Dynamite
Action Star: Angela Mao
Tagline (that doubles as a plot synopsis): “For the shadow warrior–No enemy is too deadly.”
Review and Random Thoughts
Typos still left in for comedic effect
BB– This is your plan? What happened to no more Xmas socks?
SM– Listen, we can’t spin the wheel more than once. It’s law. So the next best thing is to find its ripoff equivalent.
BB– Why not one of its sequels? They’re still triple A. They’re still triple A, goddamn it!!
SM– I don’t make the rules BB.
BB– Goddamn it.
Normally this is where I skip ahead to when the film ends but Devil’s Dynamite was a tricky beast to watch/review.
The proceeding chunk is made up of odds and ends, which will make no sense without context. Enjoy.
SM– We’re only ten minutes in and I have no idea whatthe fuck is happening.
I don’t know who the bad guys are.
What they want.
Why they have vampires or what they’re using them for.
Or who that fucking spaceman was/is.
BB– I feel like we’ve been bamboozled. The poster is selling a completely different film.
SM– Who the fuck is this Joe Livingstone? There’s no way an American directed this.
BB– No fucking way. Americans have no idea about the Chinese hopping vampire.
SM– This is important. There are vampires in this but they hop. They hop like fucking rabbits. It’s the least intimidating thing I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen a horror film about actual killer rabbits.
BB– There’s no way to describe this film without immediate disappointment. There’s a spaceman that fights vampires that are controlled by gangsters. But when you watch the film, you’ll ask “where is the cool shit you sold me?”
SM– Joe Livingstone is Godfrey Ho. Which makes all the sense in the world. If Ed Wood was obsessed with the Shaw Bros instead of Orson Welles, he’d be Godfrey Ho.
SM– Drinking liquor is like feeding a
reason raccoon, you good needlll. Lt need to take your time ir or they’ll steal your pants.
BB– This makes no sense and all the sense.
SM– Vodka or the blue is kicking in.
Around the 50 minute mark, we stopped paying attention and started talking about literally anything else
SM– Where do you stand on werewolf vs vampires?
SM– Which one would win a fight?
If a werewolf bites a vampire, is it still a vampire?
BB– Kind of a loaded question. When I was young I thought Dracula was infected with a werewolf virus in Monster Squad, but it turned out that Dracula was just hurt and became that horrific half-human creature for a moment in the flick.
BB– I think a werewolf would win in a fight, because they’re more
cannibalistic scientific assimilating animalistic. Google tells me that isn’t a word, but I’m sticking to it.
BB– Vampires are generally more… aristocratic.
SM– Which vampires do you like more:
High society top hat kind or 30 days of night monsters?
BB– Man, I love both. You?
SM– Same. There needs to be a combination of the two. A crazy as fuck monster that still has a penchant for top hats and tuxedos.
BB– Oh hey, we still have like, 45 minutes left of movie.
SM– I’m pausing this to go get more booze.
Sailor Monsoon never returned