From the twisted minds of BB Ben and Sailor Monsoon comes a new collaborative review series called Double Impact! For these opinion pieces, we watch a film, discuss it, and then Sailor turns our drunken conversations into something legible and entertaining!
There is no rhyme or reason to the movie selection process, but don’t be surprised if we lean heavily on garbage action films (that’s right, Chuck Norris, the meme stops here).
Strap in, Exiles.
This is–Double Impact!
Action Star: Tom Selleck’s mustache
Tagline (that doubles as a plot synopsis): “It is the future. Machines intended to do our work are being programmed against us. Someone must stop the madman who started it all.”
Review and Random Thoughts
Typos left in for comedic effect
Sailor Monsoon– I feel like Double Impact is reaching its fifth season of Happy Days. We need a last ditch effort to boost these numbers. We need a shark jumper.
Basement Bros– But the Fonz jumping the shark didn’t work. Nor did the Vincent Price Hawaii shit in Brady Bunch. We need a “Urkel turning into Stefan” movie.
SM– A “Hey look, it’s the Harlem Globetrotters!” from Gilligans Island movie.
BB– Wait, I’m confused. Are you looking for a good movie to save us or a crazy movie to end it?
SM– Why not both, Ben? Why not both….
BB– I’m still confused.
SM– Remember that song about the lady’s milkshake that brought the fellas to the yard?
BB– You want to…um…attract men…..to….the…um…?
SM– We need a film to put the ass in the seats.
BB– Then put better films on the wheel.
SM– No. That’s terrible idea. Use your brains Ben.
BB– Put more well known films on the wheel? People might like reading about films they know exist.
SM– You’re thinking small. We need a million dollar idea. A real razzle dazzler.
BB– We’re not covering porn.
SM– I mean………
SM– But what if….
BB– Not even if it’s lesbian porn.
SM– You’re killing Double Impact and you’re breaking my heart.
BB– Do you have a plan B that doesn’t involve porn?
SM– Well, what’s the definition of porn anyways? I mean, technically, anything could be porn if it makes your penis happy.
BB– Just pick some damn movies for the wheel already.
SM– I will but this discussion isn’t over.
BB– I’m not watching porn with another man!
SM– It’s not gay unless you look at me! Or unless the porn itself is gay.
BB– I’m definitely not watching gay porn. Unless it’s Top Gun.
SM– You’re leaving money on the goddamn table. Burlap sacks stuffed to the gills with money, crying out for a Ben to adopt them.
SM– Goddamn it. You win this round, piss lips
BB– Most of these have well known actors in them. I’m not used to such blessings. It’s like Christmas and Easter had a baby and that baby was slightly less disappointing than the last dozen babies I’ve gotten. A baby that didn’t immediately die of SIDS but was born with lobster claws.
SM– I was hoping for the Bruce Lee thing but this’ll do.
BB– Is the Bruce Lee thing a porn?
BB– You know what? I don’t want to know.
BB– Where do you find this shit? Do you just Google “worst films on Amazon?”
SM– You would have to watch a hell of a lot more David DeCoteau films for that to be true.
BB– Pressing play before you trick me into watching some gay porn. Again*
90 minutes later
SM– Hey buddy?
SM– Do you like Blade Runner?
BB-– Sure do. (Kinda)
SM– Well what if I told you there was a movie that combined the robot hunting of Blade Runner with the raw sex appeal of a Tom Selleck. But with the cheapest looking robots money could buy?
BB– I’d be indifferent. I’d also ask you to leave, seeing as though I don’t like strangers breaking into my house to ask me ridiculous hypotheticals. Unless they were hot chicks curious about my sweet muscle guns.
SM– But what if I told you those robots looked more adorable than the droids in Silent Running?
BB– I’d write you a check on the fucking spot.
BB– In all seriousness, this isn’t a bad movie. The robots are silly and the plot drags ass a bit but it’s not terrible.
SM– It feels like a pilot stretched to feature length.
SM– This is what I feel like happened: They paid Michael Crichton to beef up whatever half baked story he had floating around his head, then they scrounged up a couple of American Gladiator costumes that were laying in a warehouse (dumpster), welded some Light Brites to a number of trash cans, woke up Kirstie Alley who was, ironically, asleep in the alley behind the studio, paid Gene Simmons in Aqua Net and settled for Selleck because Ford and Willis were too expensive.
BB– Harsh but accurate.
SM– The main problem with it is, Crichton is too cerebral for this kind of cheese. He tries to over explain everything and load it with unnecessary subplots.
BB– I was half Buzzby Berkeley during. Did they ever explain Selleck’s vertigo problem?
SM– No sir, they did not. I’m assuming Crichton was just a fan of the Hitchcock film.
BB– Lame. You know who could’ve saved this film? Albert Pyun.
SM– Honestly, you could replace every element of this film besides Simmons.
BB– I don’t want to over sell his abilities but he’s legitimately the best part of this film.
SM– He only did a handful of films in the 80’s but I think he had the chops to be one of the best villains of the decade. He easily could’ve been a Bond villain.
BB– Fuck the demon make up, he’s far more terrifying in a suit.
SM– And that gun he’s holding is in Selleck’s hand in every poster. Selleck never touches the damn thing once.
BB– That’s a lie I can handle. I’m just glad this wasn’t another gay porn.
SM– The night is still young.
*Sailor once tricked Basement Bros into watching a soft core sex flick. He made it exactly 27 minutes in before he realized what an extra meat pizza actually meant.