[Double Impact] ‘The Avengers’ (1998)

From the twisted minds of BB Ben and Sailor Monsoon comes a new collaborative review series called Double Impact! For these opinion pieces, we watch a film, discuss it, and then Sailor turns our drunken conversations into something legible and entertaining!

There is no rhyme or reason to the movie selection process, but don’t be surprised if we lean heavily on garbage action films (that’s right, Chuck Norris, the meme stops here).

Strap in, Exiles.

This is–Double Impact!

Film: The Avengers (No, not that one)

Action Star: Sean Connery

Tagline (that doubles as a plot synopsis): “Saving the world in style.”


Review and Random Thoughts


Sailor Monsoon– Guess what?

Basement Bros– (Don’t say chicken butt…don’t say chicken butt) What?

SM– I’m altering the wheel again.

BB– To what and for why?

SM– Many reasons: 1. I’m sober, which means I’m bored. 2. To add a new level of mystery and pizzazz to the proceedings. 3. It’s in the rulebook you didn’t read because I never wrote it but it explicitly states that I control the contents of the wheel and you get to spin in. So stay in your lane BB.

BB– I’m having a hard time believing you’re not drinking.

SM– I didn’t say I wasn’t drinking. I said I wasn’t drunk.

BB– You know–when you’re right, you’re right.

BB– So what are these new changes?

SM– I’m glad you asked because this is important. That and the fact that I did some “illegal” things and I’m barely going to be cognizant in a minute. What do all wheel based systems have in common?

BB– Why did you put illegal in “quotes?”

SM– Focus, you goddamn narc.

BB– Fine. What?

SM– Themes. All great wheels have themes.

BB– I don’t think…

SM– Listen up! I went to a Native American sweat lodge and I had a vision. A vision of a wheel based on a theme; e.g. blaxploitation, racing, kung-fu or superhero films and that vision didn’t end in vomit, so it was clearly a success. I also hallucinated that I was married to a racist dolphin. He was not tolerant of orcas.

BB– Is “Native American sweat lodge” code for huffing paint while laying in a broken refrigerator?

SM– I really don’t like how much you know about my life. You Zuckerberg’n me, boy?

BB– No one is hacking your data for information because you tell everyone everything about yourself whilst drunk anyways.

SM– Then ya’ll motherfuckers need to start earmuffing my words when I’m talking.

BB– So, do we spin the wheel to determine the theme and then spin it again to determine the film? Or are we doing the number based system that requires two additional spins?

SM– I might make it impossibly convoluted later but for now, just add the superhero films I just emailed you.

BB– Email? Why didn’t you just text them to me?

SM– You know why, Zuckerberg.

BB– Sigh.

BB– 

BB– I’m actually excited about this one. I’ve been meaning to rewatch it since Infinity War came out. It’s crazy that’s it’s almost ten years old because I remember waiting four years for it to come out back in the day. That was the last time kids had to wait for things they wanted.

SM– Bad news champ.

BB– It’s the ’98 one isn’t it?

SM– I didn’t include the dates in the email because I thought you’d figure it out.

BB– I’m not disappointed as much as I am shocked that I’m disappointed. I assumed you added a new film as part of the pizzazz.

SM– Never assume. That rule is so old, it predates the oldest rule in the book. And the oldest rule in the book: never date a racist dolphin. I don’t care how hot it is. Don’t do it.

BB– Well, considering what other garbage was on that wheel, I’m actually happy it was this and not Steel or Catwoman.


A million years later


SM– So. That….that was a thing. That we did. Together. With our eyes. And time.

BB– Should we mention it now or are you burying the lede?

SM– I’ll work up to it.

BB– What the fuck was that? It felt like someone remade Kingsman but with no money and a script written by a Make-A-Wish cancer kid who doesn’t know how to write. Because he’s a kid. And because he’s dying of brain cancer.

SM– I took notes because I was afraid I’d forget something. For a film that has nothing go on, it never stops being insane.

BB– Hit me with ’em.

SM– [Full disclosure: I took some things earlier and they kicked in while watching it, so I’m probably hazy on the details]. 1. It starts with Fiennes going through training, even though he’s the best agent they have. 2. Uma Thurman gets a package and in that package, there’s a card that reads,  “answer the phone” and immediately after reading it, the phone rings. Why didn’t they just call her? 3. The heads of the secret organization that Fiennes and Thurman work for are codenamed “mother” and “father” but in a twist I can’t possibly believe exists in the show the film is based on, “mother” and “father” are played by actors of the opposite sex. Mother is a man and father is a woman and it’s baffling. 4. No extras? The streets are never not empty through out the film. 5. Thurman gets an invitation from Fiennes to meet him at an exclusive mens club. So exclusive in fact, that every man in there reacts like this was the late 1880’s and she was a black woman walking around naked. 6. The banter is annoyingly ping pong-y. 7. Sean Connery is cashing a paycheck. 8. The organization that Fiennes and Thurman work for have video tape evidence that Thurman destroyed a very important MacGuffin but yet, instead of arresting her or killing her, they assign her with Fiennes to find out who REALLY did it. Thats like the police letting the number one suspect of the murder axe murder of his family be in charge of the investigation. 9. Thurman robot? (This has nothing to do with her identical doppelganger and everything to do with her terrible acting) 10. The bear meeting.

BB– That’s what we need to talk about. The goddamn bear scene.

BB– 

SM– Sean Connery invites a bunch of rich assholes over so he can either get them to work for himself or to kill them all? I’m not going to lie, my brain couldn’t comprehend what I was looking at.

BB– My only theory is that Sean Connery really didn’t want to be in this film but agreed to do it under the condition that there be a scene involving men dressed as bears. The plan backfired.

SM– I can honestly see that scene in Kingsman 3 but those films have an over the top humor to them. They’re damn near comedies, so it wouldn’t have been too far out out of the realm of believability. But this isn’t that.

BB– It’s unfortunate that a legend was forced to intimidate random assholes whilst being dressed as a bear.

SM– So, suffice it to say, we tapped out. We couldn’t watch anymore. So we decided to spin the wheel again. With new rules. We just needed a palette cleanser.

BB– 


After ten minutes of trying to figure out what the fuck that was, we decided to just pick something random


Film: The Last Reunion aka Revenge of the Bushido Blade

Action Star: Leo Fong

Tagline (that doubles as a plot synopsis): “Psycho soldiers killed his parents…Now he’s martial arts trained….Master of the blade….AND READY TO PAY THEM BACK!”


Review and Random Thoughts


SM– Holy shit. This is harder to review than the last one.

BB– For a movie billed as a ninja revenge flick, there’s very little action. Which sounds like a negative but the film is a weird vanity project that’s actually good. It’s not a drama by any means but the appeal of the film is the acting and not the ninja decapitating people every ten or so minutes.

SM– Philip Baker Hall has a scene that’s maybe three minutes long and is better than anything in the Avengers and that film has 3 Oscar nominees/winners in it.

SM– On the scale of vanity projects made by delusional filmmakers, this is far ahead of Birdemic, Samurai Cop or the Room in terms of quality but has that same level of earnestness that makes those films memorable.

BB– I completely agree.

SM– There really isn’t much more to talk about considering there’s maybe 10 minutes of action in the entire film but I recommend it.

BB– Guess what?

SM– What?

BB– Chicken Butt.

SM– ……

BB– I’ve been waiting 4 hours to make that joke.

SM– Was it worth it?

BB– God yes.