From the twisted minds of BB Ben and Sailor Monsoon comes a new collaborative review series called Double Impact! For these opinion pieces, we watch a film, discuss it, and then Sailor turns our drunken conversations into something legible and entertaining!
There is no rhyme or reason to the movie selection process, but don’t be surprised if we lean heavily on garbage action films (that’s right, Chuck Norris, the meme stops here).
Strap in, Exiles.
This is–Double Impact!
Film: The Boxer From Shantung
Action Star: Not Bruce Lee
Plot: Leaving the poverty of his life in Shantung to seek fortune in Shanghai, The Boxer is instead drawn into a world of corruption, gang warfare and evil… Where his only protection is his famed fighting technique.
Sex and Violence: No tits but plenty of red jam.
Alcohol consumed: Irish Whiskey and 12-ish Bud Lights
Typos left in for comedic effect
Basement Bros– Oh my God, we’re back again.
Sailor Monsoon– Well, we’d be back earlier if somebody…
BB– We’re gonna bring the flavor show you how.
SM– Just like Kenny Rogers Roasters.
BB– I’ve gotta question for ya.
BB– Better answer now.
SM– What’s the haps, Mr. Bossy?
BB– Am I original?
SM– I don’t…is this a bit? Are you drunk?
BB– Am I the only one?
SM– Are you asking me if I’ve done Double Impact without you?
BB– Am I sexual?
SM– I mean, we both know I’ve been to jail, so…
BB– Am I everything you need?
SM– (wait a minute…)
SM– You better rock your body now!
BB– Rock your body!
SM– We’re not doing this entire song.
BB– Goddamn it, we were *so* close.
SM– Sailor ain’t afraid to not deliver the goods. Just ask Mrs. Monsoon.
BB– I’m assuming we’re gonna do a prank movie because it’s been so long? Like a foreign romantic comedy or some 8 hour porno again?
SM– You’re never gonna drop that, are you?
BB– No one on earth knows what I’ve been through but you, and you choose this shit! That was like Guantanamo Bay torture.
SM– There was tits! And gorilla shenanigans!
BB– I know. That was your bullshit pitch last time.
SM– Yap yap yap. You’re like a chihuahua. You said and I quote, “I wanna see the craziest shit Sailor. Gimme them brain melters.” So I did.
BB– I never once said that.
SM– You totally did.
BB– Nope. Not one goddamn time.
SM– You implied it.
BB– I asked what movie we were gonna watch and if it had rape. Because every movie we watch inexplicably has rape in it.
SM– You know what, I think I thought you specifically asked for rape.
SM– Stop with the dots!
BB– Why would I ask for rape!?
SM– I don’t judge.
BB– Just hurry up and pick the movie before I get lost in these Cyber Monday deals.
SM– I think I got the perfect movie.
120 minutes later
SM– You thought it was going to be a porn parody, didn’t you?
BB– If I
right thought about it, I would’ve but by the time we started eating Saatchi watching, I was already buying shit and downing Whidbey whiskey.
SM– What bullshit excuse
did are you using to drink like an Irishman, again?
BB– Sore throat. It kills the virus.
SM– It beats it like it’s his wife.
BB– I think the more apt comparison is that it
dies does nothing. Just like an Irishman. #NotRacist.
SM– You know I’m Irish right? You’re allowed to make fun of them.
BB– Is that how it works?
SM– I assume so. That’s why black people are allowed to say [censored] but no one else can.
BB– I’m going to agree even though I think that’s wrong.
SM– I said it with confidence. So that means
is it’s right.
SM– That’s goddamn right.
BB– I’m not gonna lie, the only part I
only paired paid any attention to was the ending.
SM– The film is your typical kung-fu chop socky revenge beat ’em up type fair but that last 20-ish minutes were pretty goddamn spectacular.
BB–Kung-fu movies are like horror movies, even the bad ones are good if they deliver on the ending and this one delivers.
SM– I mean there was some good parts and the copy was pretty sharp but it’s too long.
BB– It needed 30 minutes cut. Remove every scene involving the girl, trim that
wreakwrestling match and just tighten the rest of it up and you have a classic.
SM– The motivation also didn’t make sense. The lead is a traveling vagrant who says he’s going to be the richest one but then precedes to turn down money at every opportunity. And then, when he finally
dies dies does get money, he spends it all.
BB– I couldn’t make heads or tails of this story.
L People want to punch him, he doesn’t like that, so he punches them instead.
SM– That’s essentially the gist. Guy punches
skit shit. Sometimes he doesn’t but then he kills everyone. The end.
Mite mohvies More movies should be like that.
SM– They are.
BB– The joke.
BB– Your head.
SM– I got it, you ass.
BB– Guess what else you got?
BB/SM– BACKSTREET’S BACK, ALRIGHT!