[Double Impact] ‘The Magic Curse’ (1975)

From the twisted minds of BB Ben and Sailor Monsoon comes a new collaborative review series called Double Impact! For these opinion pieces, we watch a film, discuss it, and then Sailor turns our drunken conversations into something legible and entertaining!

There is no rhyme or reason to the movie selection process, but don’t be surprised if we lean heavily on garbage action films (that’s right, Chuck Norris, the meme stops here).

Strap in, Exiles.

This is–Double Impact!

Film: The Magic Curse

Action Star: Some guy me and Basement Bros affectionately referred to as “Hardcourt.” I don’t remember why. Booze.

Tagline (that doubles as a plot synopsis): Nothing but Filipino gibberish.


Review and Random Thoughts

Typos left in for comedic effect


Sailor Monsoon— I’m not gonna beat around the bush, I’m around two sheets working on the third. If the wheel picks a boring movie and I pass out, you gotta carry the weight like so much Forrest Gump.

Basement Bros– 10-4.

SM– You have gave up too early easily. You’re not gonna f do it, are you?

BB– No. Because your tolerance for garbage exceeds mine, so if you pass out, I’m useless rudderless.

SM– Speaking of uddeez rudders, did you know the phrase “three sheets to the wind” is a natural nautical term?

BB– No I did not but agree after reading that, I just lived out the imaginary conversation in my head where you explained what it means and I just realized that I not only don’t know, I don’t have any desire in knowing. Let’s just keep the that piece of useless information a mystery. A Dan Brown mystery only a team consisting of Scooby-Doo, Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys and Batman can solve.

SM– I’m no detective myself but I feel as though, and I could be wildly off base but it seems like you’re a But bit of a sassy bitch today. Fuck. What’s the candy you feed to the sassy birds bitches? You need that? You need to eat that candy?

BB– It’s Snickers and no. I just know that whatever numbers I put on the wheel, you’re going tiki to make us watch Space Jam.

SM– Why would I make you watch Space Jam?

BB– Because you said on [insert relevant social media site] that “I’m going to make [insert real name here] watch Space Jam because by e he picked the Avengers and the sun sin must be paid.”

SM– But why Space Jam? It’s not even an action movie.

BB– Because you know I hate that overrated piece of nostalgia trash.

SM– But everyone knows you hate it. Its not a secret.

BB– Not ready really. I don’t go around announcing it because it’s become like scripture to meningitis mollusks millennials. They worship it lube like Jamestown Halloweentown or Hocus Pocus.

SM– So what you’re telling me is, that nostalgia babies will cone cone come  break knees if they k knew?

BB– No. They’ll just talk to me and either ask me questions or tri try and change my mind.

SM– So people knowing that piece of information, would cause issues?

BB– Yes.

SM– The sun sin has been ps4 paid.

BB— You crafty asshole.

BB–……..

BB– Do we have time to get into my battered hatred?

SM– No. Son spin the week wheel.

BB– Ugh. How many numbers?

SM– Roundabout 20.

BB– Give me a second.

BB– Lucky no. 5!

BB–

BB– ……..

BB– How we feelin’ about this selection?

SM– We gotta stick to the wheel.

BB– Yes. The wheel is law.

BB– ……… but how we feelin’?

SM– We feel what I tell you to feel. I am the goddamn Tony Danza.

BB– The boos bosa boss? A who’s the boss reference?

SM-– You’re goddamn right.

SM– Roll the goddamn film ahead already. My eyes are getting glossy.


90 minutes later


SM– Well, we’ve seen crazy Italian knock ofda odds offs, Van Damme kicking robots, a guy with no legs, and whatever the fuck Galaxy Destroyer was but this is the first taste of Filipino insanity.

BB– They’re not afraid to kill animals. They’re also not big fans of plots that go anywhere or make any sense.

SM– Languishing labyrinthine. It’s a sprawling web of I don’t knows and loss lots of Kanye West shrugs.

BB– Are we still doing the thing where we recap the plot? Because I don’t wanna.

SM– You always stick’n me with the bullshit.

SM– OkAfter being told that his uncle disappeared somewhere in the jungle, (main character) goes there immediately on a rescue mission. He is attacked by some sort of cannibalistic zombie/lepers and soon it is clear that the evil snake-sect controls the jungle with its black magic. In some plot synopsis’, it is reveled revealed that (main character) is a “ten point bowling playboy.” Which never factors into the plot in any way what so ever.

SM– Now, let’s play a game for the viewers at home.

BB– You mean readers?

SM– Fuck off. I’m coming off a drunk.

SM– The game is, try and guess the crazy sit sit sit shot s g ut shit (goddamn it) that hastens happens in this film. Goddamn these glossy eyes.

BB– Can I play? Even though I just watched it, I feel like I don’t know anything.

SM– No. Go watch Space Jam till you get it.

BB– .……..I’m gonna watch knives dot com.

SM– I don’t even understand what that means. Now hush up. On to the game!

Question 1.

Woman on the cover of the poster, is she:

A. The princess the lead falls in love with.

B. The snake god the cult worships.

C. The lead (who’s a man), who gets turned into a media medusa-esque monster due to voodoo.

D. The snake haired woman is not in the film.

Question 2. 

The film involves magic and maybe sort of zombies and inexplicably a vampire. What does the vampire do?

A. Has kidnapped the main character’s uncle, to feed off of his rare blood.

B. Kidnapped the main character’s uncle to get the main character, to get pregnant, to feed the snake baby to the snake god. Because all the men are impotent.

C. Bites off a guys dick.

D. Tricks the main character into loving him, goes back with him to “New York” and in a last second twist, eats his niece.

Question 3.

The magic curse of the title, what is it?

A. The princess the lead falls in love with, curses him with the inability to sleep with another woman without magic snakes killing them.

B. The lead turning into a medusa monster.

C. The leper/zombies that used to be regular people that the lead now has to save.

D. The uncle turns out to be the snake god and the curse is how he turned into him.

Question 4.

The lead leaves the jungle for about twenty minutes of the film. Why?

A. To make it back in time for a bowling tournament.

B. To assemble a team of kung fu badasses to save his uncle.

C. To have sex with women, who keep dying due to the curse, so he has to go back to the jungle to prove he’s not a murderer.

D. He dies half way, and the film switches to the princess, who wants revenge.

Question 5.

The cult worships a snake god, do you ever see it?

A. Of course not.

B. Yes and it’s made with Styrofoam and is amazing–ly bad.

C. Yes and it’s a man in a terribly made suit.

D. Yes and it’s a real cobra. Just a big ass snake during sitting on a thrive throne.