From the twisted minds of BB Ben and Sailor Monsoon comes a new collaborative review series called Double Impact! For these opinion pieces, we watch a film, discuss it, and then Sailor turns our drunken conversations into something legible and entertaining!
There is no rhyme or reason to the movie selection process, but don’t be surprised if we lean heavily on garbage action films (that’s right, Chuck Norris, the meme stops here).
Strap in, Exiles.
This is–Double Impact!
Film: The Warriors
Action Star: Michael Beck or James Remar (kind of?)
Tagline (that doubles as a plot synopsis): “These are the armies of the night.” (Which doesn’t explain anything)
Review and Random Thoughts
Sailor Monsoon— Before we start, this is a first watch for you, correct?
Basement Bros— Affirmative.
SM— Well, the thing is, the director (Walter Hill) pulled a Lucas and added some shit to the movie.
BB— Like vaguely racist cantina singers or making characters shoot AFTER being shot at, ruining the badassness of their character for future generations?
SM— No and you gotta let it go man. Greedo shot first, accept it.
BB— I will fucking never.
SM— No, Hill didn’t include any CGI horse shit shenanigans. He just added a quick narration at the start and some comic book transitions. It’s noticeable but it’s not movie ruining.
BB— Oh. That doesn’t sound too bad.
90 Minutes Later
BB— Jesus Christ, why on God’s green earth did he do that? Did the studio pay him a shit ton of cocaine and hooker money to make it like Sin City? Or worse yet, hold his children hostage and threaten to make them watch Supernova if he didn’t? At least there’s multiple copies, like Blade Runner.
SM— Well, I got some good news and some bad news….
BB— There is no other cut, is there?
BB— Fuck me sideways. Well, what’s the good news?
SM— What’s that?
BB— You said there was good news.
SM— Oh yeah. I just saved a bunch of money by switching….
SM— Is it sad that I know who that is?
SM–Don’t judge me. #Hannah-Barbera 4 life.
BB— That is correct.
SM— Speaking of correct, how legit is this soundtrack?
BB— It was lit, as the kids would say and you really should go to the doctor.
SM— Why’s that?
BB— To make sure you didn’t break your back from whiplash caused by that haphazard segue.
SM— I’m going to respond to that burn with what I tell every woman who’s asks about my business: “It gets the job done.”
BB— Did you honestly just compare your segues to, what seems to be, your below adequate penis?
SM— Speaking of huge dicks, what did you think of the villain, Luthor?
BB— He’s great but he will now be referred to henceforth as baby Luthor on account of his baby like stature.
SM— I love that his motivation is simply “No reason. I just… like doing things like that!”
BB— We should explain what it is he did.
SM— One two three: not it.
BB— God damn it. Sometime, in the near future (which looks exactly like the year 1979), gangs have essentially overrun New York but due to a never ending series of turf wars, the gangs are stuck in a cycle of violence without power or gains. Cyrus, leader of The Gramercy Riffs, calls for a cease fire and a meeting between nine delegates of 100 gangs. He proposes they all unite as one, to once and for all take control of the city. Luthor (aka baby Luthor), leader of the Rogues, shoots him dead and blames it on one of the Warriors. The Warriors now have to fight every gang of the city as well as the police on their way back to their turf.
SM— Besides the fact that it’s set in the future for some inexplicable reason and the huge amounts of suspension of disbelief you need to do to accept that only one guy out of 900 gang members would be packing heat, the premise is pretty fucking incredible. I’m glad they didn’t over explain why Luthor shot Cyrus or why he blames one of the Warriors but it really is a stretch that not a single one of them would have a gun.
BB— I think the future setting was a failed attempt to make these cartoony gangs believable.
SM— The film has no problem bending reality to fit it’s vision. This, along with Streets of Fire, are Walter Hill‘s fantastical New York. It’s over the top and insane but it’s definitely unique.
BB— I miss 70’s New York in film. There’s not a location on Earth that’s more cinematic and It’s cliche to say that NYC was a character, but it was honestly the MVP of the film.
SM— Did you ever play the game?
BB— No sir, you?
SM— Yes. It’s great. It was like a beat em’ up/semi open world game. It really nails the tone and style of the game. Much like 70’s New York and Walter Hill‘s quality, I really miss Rockstar before Grand Theft Auto 5. They took chances on weird shit.
BB— Table Tennis.
BB— Neveldine wants to do a remake? I like him, but that’s a step down from Tony Scott.
SM— Yes it is but I hate to be the one to break it to you but Tony Scott….
BB— I know he’s dead, you ass.
SM— Since a remake has been in the works since forever, which director would you like see tackle it? Because the Neveldine one will never happen.
BB— I wanna say David Mackenzie or Ryan Coogler, but I bet Joe Carnahan would make something more popcorn-friendly.
SM— Carnahan is a really interesting pick.
BB— A Joe Cornish take set it in England could also work.
SM— I approve of this idea. But clearly the best pick is Frank Miller.
BB–………God damn those comic panels.
Conversations Without Context
“Oh god the comic panels are awful…”
“…And that’s from someone who defends Ang Lee’s Hulk.”
“What Frank Miller shit is this?”
“And it looks like dated Flash…”
“They’re the Boba Fett of the Warriors. Cool but useless as fuck.”