From the twisted minds of BB Ben and Sailor Monsoon comes a new collaborative review series called Double Impact! For these opinion pieces, we watch a film, discuss it, and then Sailor turns our drunken conversations into something legible and entertaining!
There is no rhyme or reason to the movie selection process, but don’t be surprised if we lean heavily on garbage action films (that’s right, Chuck Norris, the meme stops here).
Strap in, Exiles.
This is–Double Impact!
Film: Wild Beasts
Action Star: A polar bear, a cheetah and a pile of cocaine.
Tagline (that doubles as a plot synopsis): “L’incubo più sanguinario mai immaginato!”– which translated means: “If a sentient pile of cocaine could make a film, that film would be Wild Beasts!”
Review and Random Thoughts
Typos left in for comedic effect
Sailor Monsoon– You want another obscure film or a more mainstream film? I feel like we should put more viewer accessible films on the wheel.
Basement Bros– Doesn’t matter. I know people have been clamoring for more mainstream stuff, so… up to you.
SM– True but like I always say, “fuck em.”
BB– I thought you always said “It ain’t gay, if I’m getting paid?”
SM– A man can have more than one catchphrase. Plus, that’s just sound business advice. Like I always says, “You either work them streets or work them sheets. Moneys money.”
BB– Was your father Iceberg Slim or some shit?
SM– No. But my mother was a prostitute. In fact, I come from a long line of street workers. Winds may suck and tornados may blow but a monsoon can do both.
BB– I’m assuming like mother, like son?
SM– I have a very expensive lifestyle I needs to support. Vodquil and movies don’t pay for themselves. Don’t judge me.
BB– Ok Caligula. We’re getting sidetracked.
SM– Caligula wasn’t a pro. He was an emperor. An emperor who knew how to party.
BB– I’m spinning the wheel.
SM– Woah woah woah there champ. Last I checked, I wasn’t a frog and you weren’t no bunny. So why you trying to jump ahead?
SM– What is this treachery? You making wheels without me!?
BB– You sent me the list yesterday. Ass.
SM– It’s shocking how many times past me has done something present me has no recollection doing. I once planned to get blackout drunk and past me almost convinced post blackout drunk me that he’d murdered a hooker. He would’ve successfully pranked me if I didn’t know beforehand that It’s impossible to drown a Czechoslovakian hooker in semen. It’s simply not possible.
SM– Remember that episode of the Simpsons where Homer goes to hell and a demon forces him to eat an infinite amount of donuts and much to the dismay of the demon, he actually succeeds?
BB– I don’t like where this analogy is going.
SM– Replace the demon with a pimp, Homer with a Czechoslovakian hooker and the donuts….
BB– Pressing play now. Like right now.
90 minutes later
SM– This is actually the first film you that you drank for and I didn’t.
BB– I’m pretty sure I’m not the first person to start drinking after a story you’ve told.
SM– I was thinking about you drinking during the film and was trying to come up with some sort of drinking game for this movie and the best I could come up with was “drink every time you think or exclaim aloud “what the hell!?”
BB– You’d be dead long before the half way point
SM– You aren’t wrong. When a film is directed by one half of the duo that created the Mondo Cane series (including the insanely controversial Goodbye Uncle Tom), you know you’re in for a treat.
BB– This movie is top to bottom nuts. This is so far past the phrase “they don’t make movies like this anymore” or “this would never get made today” because besides Roar, nobody was making films like this then.
SM– An old film critic once said, “If the film has three great scenes, the film itself is great.” Based on that logic, Wild Beasts is a perfect fucking masterpiece. It’s scene after scene of something you’ve never seen before.
BB– Plot summary time.
SM– There’s something wrong with the water supply and it’s turning all of the animals into kill hungry maniacs.
BB– Let’s rundown all the crazy things that happen in this movie. There’s: murder by rats. Underage nudity. A cheetah running down a highway to eat someone, a elephant smashing a woman’s head, a polar bear hunting children in a school and a pack of elephants crashing an airplane.
SM– I think that covers the big ones. There’s also a lot of lion and tiger attacks, a stampede of wild boar and of course, the ending.
BB–And for the most part, everything is real. They’re really burning those rats to death, filming a cheetah run around a subway and they’re really using lions and tigers and bears. Oh my.
SM– The Italians are constantly chasing a trend, with this film obviously being a response to the animals gone amok genre but where those films focused on one group of animals eating everyone, this movie has all of them.
BB– It had a respectable amount of critters in it but I’m disappointed it didn’t include the king of the beasts.
SM– Which is?
SM– I’m going to bed.
BB– Payback motherfucker.
Conversations without context
“Prosperi don’t give a single fuck.”
“That’s fine, as long as he didn’t give her one.”
“Are they comparing vag to a rats nest?”
“I don’t see a problem.”
“He’s like Tom Selleck and Rob Lowe had a baby. A baby I want to make love to.”
“That comment, along with the underage nudity, just put us on a list.”
“Guy trying to get laid in a car next to a cat getting eaten alive by cats. Looks like two pussies are getting murdered at the same time.”
“The cars that ate Paris–a real movie in which not a single person gets eaten by a car.”
“I desperately hope an ape steals a plane.”
“Coke: at least it’s not Pepsi.”