Monsoon-A-Day: 3 Dolph Lundgren Action Movie Mini Reviews

Welcome to Monsoon-a-day.
Where I watch and review a movie a day.

Day 36

 

1. Red Scorpion

If you were an action star in the 80’s, you were contractually obligated to make a film about the red menace. Red Dawn, Invasion U.S.A, Rambo 3, Predator (The Predator was totally working for mother Russia) and last but not least, Red Scorpion. For those of you too lazy to Google or who are not fans of terrible action films, Red Scorpion is the terrible byproduct of a Commando and Rambo 3 sexual escapade that ended in a stillborn fetus that’s covered in grease paint and filled with enough steroids to kill a baby elephant.

      Just picture this but in fetus form

Apparently there’s a plot involving Lungren going to Africa to assassinate a rebel leader. I don’t remember but according to my notes: He blows up a base, befriends the leader, Fucks up the assassination attempt even though he just killed like 50 guys, gets tortured by his own men because he fucked up, escapes, befriends a local tribe of Bushmen, they brand him with the mark of the scorpion, he understand their plight, he teams up with the rebels, blows up some more bases, credits.

Those are the things that happened. I know this because I wrote them down But in my mind the entire film consists of Dolph walking around the desert with no shirt on for 95 minutes covered in grease and sweat and then some times things explode. That’s it. If you like your films to be a combination of explody things and homoerotic images, Red Scorpion is the film for you.

 

2. Blackjack

Here’s how i believe Blackjack was made:

Studio exec: Woo! buddy! I got great news!

John Woo: You got me that Face/Off sequel script i wanted?

Exec: No. Even better! I got you 13 different scripts for you to choose from.

Woo:….Ok. What’s that one about?

Exec: That’s about a supermodel being harassed by her crazy ex who’s a failed television actor. Oh and the supermodel has a bodyguard who’s raising a kid. And the Supermodel has a drug addiction. I kinda skimmed it but i remember a ton of melodrama and drug use.

Woo: Doesn’t sound action packed. And that one?

Exec: You’re gonna love this one! It’s about a Hitman that gets blinded by a flash grenade and ever since then, he’s afraid of the color white!

Woo:….That…what!?

Exec: yeah! Just picture it! The bad guy could wear all white or there could be a shoot out in a store and the main character could get hit by milk and he’ll totally lose his shit!

Woo: What else do you have?

Exec: I kinda lied, It’s not thirteen scripts, It’s more like two…

Woo: I guess I’ll do the first one.

Exec: You’re the boss buddy!

(Studio exec proceeds to go to the bathroom to do a shit ton of cocaine)

Exec: Fuck! I forgot which one he wanted! Fuck it, I’ll just merge the two. He’ll never notice.

And Blackjack was born.

It’s a film containing many films and none of them are good.

 

3. Dark Angel

Dark Angel AKA “I” Come in Peace, is an incredibly underrated action film that’s essentially the better version of Predator 2. Lundgren plays a cop trying to bust a drug ring that’s responsible for the murder of his partner and discovers the murder victims he’s been investigating aren’t being killed by the cartel but by extraterrestrials. It’s Liquid Sky mixed with Lethal Weapon with a touch of Predator 2 thrown in for good measure. Lungren is probably no one’s favorite action star of the 80’s. He’s the only one of the action stars to never have a hit but if he had more films like this, he at least could’ve had the most interesting career. It plays to his strengths as an “actor” and gives him a lot of great quips and one liners. I’d say Dark Angel is probably one of the best action films you’ve ever seen. It’s cheesy and it’s dumb but it’s a helluva lot of fun.

” I Come in Peace.”

“And you go in pieces, asshole.”