Monsoon-A-Day: ’47 Meters Down’ 2017

Welcome to Monsoon-a-day.
Where I watch and review a movie a day.

Day 30

 

If you read my reviews, you’ve probably noticed i don’t review mainstream films. I tend to gravitate to crazy films you’ve never heard of because they’re easier to make fun of. Crazy=Jokes. But as if god himself heard your cries for me to review something anyone on earth has heard of but was also ridiculously easy to make fun of, he gave me and you, the gift of 47 Meters Down.

A movie so inept, So incompetent, it’s pretty amazing that this is actually in theatres. If this was made in Italy and had some ridiculous title like “The shark that eats virgins” or “Sea No Evil” i wouldn’t bat an eye. That’s the level of quality we’re dealing with here.

Originally this was meant to be a direct to DVD film called In The Deep and good god does it show. The production values are fine for something on VOD but on the big screen, it’s a three location film. Beach, boat, underwater. That’s about it and all three look terrible.

But let’s back up and start with the “Plot”. Mandy Moore and Claire Holt are sisters on vacation and they decide to go cage diving with sharks. The winch breaks and the cage plummets, you guessed it, 47 Meters Down. Here’s their characters:

Holt-“We should totes go cage diving with sharks!”

Moore-“I don’t know, That’s kinda dangerous.”

Holt-“Didn’t your Boyfriend just break up with you because he said you were boring!? This’ll prove him wrong!”

Moore-“Yeah. I guess you’re right! We should totally go cage diving with sharks!”

Not only is that the set up but that pretty much sums up who the characters are. One doesn’t want to do it. One does want to do it. Those are their character traits. That is their character arc.

In all honesty, the basic premise is intriguing. Two people stuck in a cage, underwater, surrounded by sharks. That’s a great premise-For a 10 minute short. This would’ve been amazing as a standalone short or even a segment in a VHS sequel or something but as a feature length film? There’s just not enough plot to keep the film afloat. (Water puns. Because they’re underwater)

And it’s not the premise that’s the problem. The Shallows had a very similar premise and that worked. Buried had Ryan Reynolds in a goddamn box the whole film and that worked. Because they had tension. Things kept happening to the characters to create tension and to motivate action. In 47 Meters Down, the problem is that you can’t see the sharks. There’s no geography to pinpoint the cage and where the sharks are in relation to the cage. You always knew where the shark was in the Shallows. You always knew where the dog was in Cujo. I never had any idea where the fucking sharks were and you would think that would be scarier but it’s not. Because you know they’re going to leave the cage, swim for two seconds and jump scare. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

If you love shark movies, i guess give it a shot but there’s better aquatic horror out there.

My Score: D+