Monsoon-A-Day ‘Bat Pussy’ (197?)

Welcome to Monsoon-a-day

Where I watch and review a movie a day. Or whenever I fucking feel like it.

Day 106

 

Before mayor Rudy Giuliani turned New York city into an overpriced hipster Disneyland, it was a mecca of filth. I’m kidding of course. Everyone knows New York is still a garbage dump of a city and Giuliani didn’t do dick. Except of course, to remove all of the porn theaters and peep shows. Back in the 70’s, porn was huge and it was everywhere. It was as New York as rats and pizza and to over simplify the issue, it was all over the city because the mafia had their hands in it and they had their hands in the city.

It was a lucrative business because everyone loves tits and because it’s cheap as hell to make a porno. In fact, anyone with a camera, a bed and at least two actors could make one.

Case in point: Bat Pussy.

Originally released in 1973 (give or take. There’s actually no evidence of a date), later resurrected by Something Weird Video, and now transferred to HD by AGFA (the American Genre Film Archive), Bat Pussy is often credited as the first porn parody but neither one of those words is accurate. It is a porno and it’s trying desperately to parody the ’66 Batman show but everyone involved was so painfully inept, it spectacularly fails at both.

The film is just about an hour in length and the vast majority of it’s running time involves neither Bat Pussy or any actual sex. It does however have two actors who’ve:

1. Never acted before

2. Never had sex before.

3. Know what sex even is.

Buddy and Sam (they’re real names are a mystery), feel like rejects from the worst John Waters film imaginable. For damn near the entire running time, they do nothing but bicker and bitch at each other and get progressively more and more intoxicated throughout. Lines are constantly being repeated, fumbled, fucked up and there’s at least three times where Buddy is either being fed lines into his ear by Sam or will look of camera at the director for direction.

He even accidentally falls on top of Bat Pussy’s head and immediately breaks character to ask if she’s ok and then looks at the director and laughs. It’s like watching a really bad wrestling match where one of the wrestlers is obviously too fucked up to do anything but is supposed to win the match.

It’s bizarre.

Speaking of wrestlers to fucked up to win, I was actually being generous earlier when I said there was almost no sex in this. The truth is, besides some of the absolute worst oral ever committed to celluloid and some painfully awkward fingering, there’s actually not one second of actual intercourse. No one has sex in the entire film.

I don’t know if Buddy is camera shy or has the worst case of whiskey dick in history but he is never erect at any time in this film. Now, to be fair, Sam is not an attractive woman and while Bat Pussy is considerably better looking, she’s still not going to win any beauty pageants. So it might be a case of Buddy’s lil buddy doing him a solid by refusing to get hard. It’s an admirable sentiment and I appreciate a dick doing what it needs to for the team but that doesn’t exactly make for a compelling porno.

But it does make for one hell of an interesting misfire. I’ve seen some honest to God amazing porn parodies but Bat Pussy might be the best. It’s not good by any stretch of the imagination but what it lacks in quality, it makes up for in the crazy. It also has one of the scariest scenes I’ve ever witnessed.

Throughout the film, Buddy refers to Sam’s vagina as a “washtub pussy” and since the film was shot mostly from a single, fixed camera position, the second we get a new camera set up, the film instantly switches genres from porn, to horror. The new angle brings with it a better look at the “washtub pussy” and the only way I can describe what happens next is through vulgar pop culture references.

Picture a really rough looking Will Ferrell trying to stick his entire hand inside a cottage filled face hugger, while it moans like a cat in heat and you have a pretty good idea of not only the scene in question but the film as a whole. It’s unpleasant, it’s bizarre but you can’t look away.

It’s 60 minutes of libido destroying insanity that may not be the first porn parody but is most assuredly the world’s first anti-porn.