Monsoon-A-Day: ‘El Vampiro Teporocho’ 1989

Welcome to Monsoon-a-day.
Where I watch and review a movie a day.

Day 31

 

I told someone i work with that i occasionally write reviews for a website and eventually the word got out and i was given a copy of this film to review. So this review is thanks to and dedicated to [REDACTED*]

*I don’t give shout outs sucka.

Two things about this film:

  1. It’s in Spanish without subtitles
  2. I don’t speak Spanish

So way to go [REDACTED] you stupid ass. You gave me a movie i can’t fucking understand. What a winner.

Thankfully, the movie is essentially a live action cartoon. The comedy is extremely broad, so it wasn’t too difficult to follow. For the most part.

The movie starts in Transylvania and some scientists discover Dracula’s corpse.

They immediately decide to put him in a rocket and shoot his ass into space. The rocket crashes in Mexico.

Either because he’s been asleep for years or because his ass was just in a rocket crash, he’s lost his ability to turn into a bat.

So he hitchhikes and gets picked up by an orange farmer. After a little talking, Dracula decides to bite his ass and get that delicious blood. But unfortunately for Dracula, the farmer has a crucifix necklace and Dracula recoils in pain? (I’ve honestly never understood that part of the lore. Does it hurt them or do they just not like it?)

And the farmer ain’t having none of that horseshit, so he starts beating his ass and i guess the power of a good ass whoopin gave him back the power of flight, Because now he can fly.

He lands next to a lady and i have no idea if he wants to take her to the bone zone or to a blood bank…for a withdrawal but before he can do anything, a big ass dog spooks his ass off.

He lands again but this time he finds a group of drunkards that give him some booze and after a 5 minute conversation i don’t understand because i don’t speak Spanish, they give him a place to stay.

Another long conversation that’s all Greek to me. Or more accurately Spanish. It’s all Spanish to me. And i don’t speak it but what i gather he’s convinced them to help him get some blood. Or ass. With this Dracula, it could go either way.

He and his new buddy are hitting the town and they come across a pack? A group? A gaggle of prostitutes and Dracula decides he needs him some blood.

He can’t find a virgin and he doesn’t want to catch an STD from a hooker, so he puts condoms on his fangs. A joke so goddamn clever, it’s amazing to me It’s never been done before.

The hooker freaks out and calls the cops and he gets arrested. Nothing noteworthy happens in prison except for this character:

The one on the left. This scene plays for maybe 6 minutes and she even has a name ‘Cleopatra Gonzalez’ but after this scene, you never see her again. I’m assuming it’s probably a cameo from some Mexican actor I’ve never heard of or something but they dedicate a lot of time to whatever the joke is.

But what’s also weird is his drunk buddy comes down to pick him up and then, he too disappears from the film.

But no time to cry over characters i didn’t really care about anyways, Dracula has shit to do.

The photo doesn’t do the flying effect justice but trust me, It’s glorious. It’s almost certainly a mannequin pulled on wires and it kinda seems like one of the wires is broken because He’s wobbly like a motherfucker.

He crashes into a truck and truth be told, i thought he splattered like Wile e. Coyote. The effect could’ve been better guys. I’m just saying.

Inside the truck are these three assholes. Dracula hangs with them for the remainder of the film. But what about that drunk? He gave you some booze and tried to help you smash. Why have you turned your back on your buddy Dracula? Was it Cleopatra Gonzales? Did he mix up the order to “Bros before Hoes” and choose Cleopatra over you? I feel like these questions will always remain unsolved and it hurts my soul.

Anywho, Dracula and his new buddies decide to go to the club.

Yes, there is an explanation given to why Everyone there is also a Dracula and i can’t describe how disappointed i was to find out it was a Dracula contest and not a gay club with a vampire fetish. Dracula wins first place in the Dracula contest and he and his buddies drop off the lady he was dancing with the whole night.

She goes up to her apartment and Dracula realizes he’s got bat powers and decides to use them to creep.

He watches her undress (Yes, there’s nudity) and suddenly turns into a fly. Spanish fly I’m assuming. That’s a solid joke.

He’s a fat fly with his face intact. It’s adorable. The lady he’s creeping on grabs a bottle of bug spray and blasts his ass.

He goes flying into the street and his buddies decide to take him back to their place for some grub. They’re eating typical Spanish cuisine when Dracula takes a bite of a chili and, well….

 

He turns into a turkey. I have no idea if the chili is cursed or that Dracula can’t eat anything other than blood but for unclear plot reasons, Dracula is now a turkey. One of his buddies makes an “A-Ha” Face and you can tell he’s got a plan. It’s time to play: ‘what is his buddies plan for this turkey?’

  1. Eat it. Eat the Dracula turkey
  2. Sell it. Sell him to a restaurant
  3. Pawn it. Pawn his ass for some bling
  4. Keep him as a pet. He’s a lonely guy

 

Cockfight. He enters him into a Cockfight. And he loses. Dracula is the worst cock in existence. After that pitiful displace of fighting, they decide he’s absolutely useless as a turkey.

So they decide to bring him back with a the headlight of a car. The turkey just looks at it and it turns him back. I paused the film at this point to Google vampire and Dracula lore and i couldn’t find anything to do with headlight magic. I’m starting to suspect they’re playing fast and loose with the mythos.

Now that Dracula’s back, he needs a job. I’m assuming to recoup the losses from the cockfight because his bitch ass lost.

Oh and he’s blind now. It took me a good 10 minutes to realize the fact that he wasn’t just bumping into shit because he was drunk. I guess the headlight blinded him. Again, Google is of no use in this matter.

A good chunk of time is dedicated to him working at a circus. Take a picture with Dracula booth that quickly turned into Throw a rock at Dracula’s head booth when the last one wasn’t bringing the crowds.

After a long day of circus chicanery, the boys and Drac head to a bar. Maybe it was a full day of rocks to the head but Dracula can see again.

He uses his new found sight to peep on some lady in a crowd, he starts holler’n at her and they go back to her room. After a lil action, Dracula bites her on the neck. She’s into it because she’s a dominatrix and she pulls out a whip and starts beating his ass. He jumps out the window and grabs a power cord, gets electrocuted and slams into the ground below shattering his fangs.

He’s not having a great day. He’s now at the hospital getting a blood transfusion and his nurse walks in.

And she’s a female Dracula. Did she take his blood? Are they related? I have no fucking idea but that’s the end of the film and i have no words.

I kinda wish i watched it with subtitles. I mean i more or less figured out what was happening but i bet there was jokes i was missing. Because that condom on the fangs bit is legitimately funny.

They need to just remake this for universals dark universe Bullshit. Just picture Tom Cruise, Johnny Depp and a Dracula turkey. That’s the world i wanna live in.