Monsoon-A-Day ‘Headless’ (2015)

Welcome to Monsoon-a-day.
Where I watch and review a movie a day. Or whenever I fucking feel like it.

Day 61

 

 

In the 2012 horror film Found, the main character watches an incredibly gory movie called Headless. There’s only a few snippets of scenes shown but it looks like the plot revolves around a serial killer who kills women and then copulates with their severed heads.

In 2015, the lead make up/special effects guy from Found decided to turn that fake film into a feature length movie. Remember when I gave you the plot of Headless based on less than a trailers worth of footage seen in the previous film? Well, that’s the exact amount of plot found (Get it? Because the other film is called Found. I’m hilarious) in the film Headless.

There’s a guy. He kills women. And then he fucks their severed heads. Oh and he eats their eyeballs. That’s it. That’s the entire plot of the film. It’s the perfect premise for a fake film-within-a-film because you just need an excuse to show large quantities of violence but stretched to 90 minutes? That’s a fucking nightmare.

I don’t even know where to begin because with the exception of the bowling alley chick subplot that I’ll get to in a minute, every scene could be shown in any order with no difference to the plot. He picks up women, he kills them, he fucks their heads. I can not stress to you how repetitive this film is and how inconsequential the ordering of the violence is.

I guess I’ll start with the fake trailer that precedes the film. It’s about a couple who are obviously fighting about something but it’s not entirely clear what it is till the end of the trailer. There’s scenes of them screaming at each other and the tension escalates till you find out what the conflict is– he’s a werewolf. And she’s pregnant.

The Wolf-Baby trailer was the one thing that sold me on the film. It’s not particularly well made and the acting is sub par but it felt like they were trying to recapture the essence of cheesy trailers from the 70’s and I applaud the effort.

The rest of the film however, is an exercise in tedium. It will wear you down with its onslaught of excessive gore and depravity. It’s like that kid you knew in school who was so starved for attention, that he’d do whatever he could to elicit a reaction. From licking the bottoms of his shoes, to flicking his eyelids inside out or snorting hot sauce, there’s always a kid that’ll push the boundaries to get attention. But it only works for like a week, then it’s annoying. And then everyone avoids that kid like the plague because he’s fucking awful.

What I’m trying to say is, this film is like Steve. I mean….that unnamed kid I mentioned earlier who is definitely not real. It’s constantly extreme but after five minutes, it becomes white noise.

Almost nothing about this film works. The acting is some of the worst committed to celluloid, the story is nonexistent, the artificial scratches added to make it look like an old film print from the 70’s look fucking terrible and the film doesn’t even commit to them and the violence itself is serviceable but nothing special.

The only aspect that works is extremely minute and technically doesn’t belong to this film. The film occasionally peaks into his mind and we see the world through his deranged eyes. The heads he fucks he imagines as faceless mannequin-esque women, he’s constantly followed by a skull faced boy who tells him what to do and he occasionally sees trees made up of eyeballs. It’s an interesting idea and a nice touch but it just reminded me of the Ryan Reynolds film The Voices and how much better that film pulled it off.

The only real “storyline” of the film involves a woman working at a bowling alley who’s dating a piece of shit who’s trying to be a rock star. It cuts back to that storyline about every ten minutes or so and I don’t know what’s worse: the excessive, repetitive violence of the killer or the god awful acting of bowling alley chick. It’s honestly 50/50.

The two story lines obviously converge with the killer kidnapping both bowling alley girl and her boyfriend. Now, up to this point, the killer has automatically killed everyone he sees but for unclear plot reasons, he decides to not only kidnap them but has her kill her boyfriend.

That’s emotionally satisfying because the boyfriend is a jerkass but it doesn’t make any narrative sense. Why is he helping her? He has no idea that guy is an asshole. Yes, I’m overthinking a film about a guy who fucks severed heads but still, that’s incredibly lazy writing.

Now, after she’s killed her boyfriend, it seems as though the film is going to go in the direction of the killer and her bonding and teaming up. He’s broken and she’s just broke and now they’re a crazy couple. Like Lady and the Tramp but if they got rabies but no. He just kills her.

There’s no final girl. There’s no final confrontation. No catharsis or dramatic pay off. Nope. He just kills her and then he rips off his face and falls asleep in a dog cage.

Atleast this film is keeping Karo Syrup in business. So, that’s a plus.