Monsoon-A-Day ‘Masters Of The Gridiron/DT in Dawg Territory’ (85/88)

Welcome to Monsoon-a-day.
Where I watch and review a movie a day. Or whenever I fucking feel like it.

Day 75

 

The greatest barometer to chart a celebrities waning fame, is to judge it against whatever shitty product they’ve decided to slap their name onto. For every successful clothing and perfume line, there’s a million Pastamania’s and whatever the fuck David Carradine was drunkingly trying to hawk on infomercials at 3 o’clock in the morning.

The man is desperately trying to convince us this half of a hose will “unleash your chi” and “energize your brain.” Three things: 1. Carradine is not a doctor 2. Was never a martial artist, so I don’t he even knows what the fuck chi is and 3. It’s a small piece of hose that does nothing. It doesn’t even look cool when you move it around.

Carradine is far from the worst offender. Because no matter how crazy drunk he appears in the infomercial, he’s only crazy because of the drink. He has to get drunk to go to crazy town, athletes have a full time residency. With the exception of the absolutely fantastic George Forman grill (thank you again for giving it to me on Christmas aunt Becky. I swear I use it all the time. Just like my miniature popcorn machine from last year and the miniature rice cooker from the year before that. I definitely did not regift them immediately), every celebrity endorsed product by an athlete is fucking banana balls crazy.

Muhammad Ali had his name on roach traps, Joe Namath endorsed panty hose and Jimmy Johnson made an ExtenZe commercial so cringe worthy, your face almost collapses in on itself from the wincing.

And that’s just the commercials and adverts. Some are cocky/crazy enough to believe that, if America can handle 30 seconds of their face on tv, they can handle a 90 minute movie. That’s where a studio or produce would marry the two ideas into one believable package. Wrestlers are clearly action stars, basketball players can be in sports dramas but what about football players? They’re built like wrestlers but they have no acting training, so there’s no way they can pull a drama or comedy.

Kids film. Kids’ll eat any amount of shit you put in front of them as long as things are moving and there are at least three colors on screen at any given time. But writing a kids film is hard. You have to come up with an idea, and then write it and it’s a whole process. Isn’t there an easier way?

The answer is yes. There is an easier way. As long as you’re crazier than a fucking loon and could give two shits less about copyright infringement. All you need to do is take your favorite athlete, put them into your favorite film and voila! instant success.

For those of you that lead such incredibly interesting lives that you couldn’t spare 17 minutes to watch a short, you missed out on what is, for my money, the craziest thing a celebrity has ever put their name on.

Masters of the Gridiron is The Lord of the Rings cut down to 15 minutes and the fellowship is made up of football players. Oh and Saruman is played by Tiny Tim. There are also ninjas, a bear (which somebody wrestles) and a music video. It’s the kind of insane hodge podge of ideas William “The Refrigerator” Perry would come up with after his 87th concussion.

And it’s amazing.

 

 

Four years after that masterpiece, somebody decided it would be a great idea to roll the dice one more time. Going back to the aforementioned two rules of success, all we need is another film to rip off but which one?

 

It’s E.T. 

It’s E.T. but with steroid injected meat puppets and a little person dressed up as an alien dog man.

Thank Christ for all of that sweet, sweet 80’s cocaine because there’s no fucking way on earth this would exist without it.

 

Bonus Entry: Doctor Death

This has nothing to do with crazy athletes. So there’s not much in the way of a usable segue (unless you count the football helmets everyone wears) but keeping in the tradition of ripping off Hollywood movies, Doctor Death is a group of 15 year olds doing their  damnedest to create their own Mad Max. And it fucking works.

 

  • Sailor Monsoon

    1. Sailor is an archeologist of trash
    2. I actually think the white guy with the mullet wasn’t too terribly bad. Not good by any stretch of the imagination but he was leagues better than everyone else.
    3. I have no idea when the 80’s stopped loving that sweet sweet nose candy
    4. Carradine was drunk off his ass

  • Sailor Monsoon

    Guilty as charged

  • William Dhalgren

    I don’t know about any of this other bullshit, but I neeed to see the rest of that David Carradine infomercial. That shit could change my life.

  • Being sexy.

  • Poppity⛄

    Where in God’s name did you get a copy of this film? This is insane, just insane! (And it looks like it was filmed slightly before ’88 though it’s probably due to the poor quality of the film. Gotta love that white player’s mullet.)
    I really have no words for what I have just watched. I just tried to keep my mouth from dropping open on several occasions. The acting is b-a-d and seeing the dog aliens silver vehicle/silver bullet thingy made me laugh out loud. No budget thrills. I thought they had sworn off the coke by the later part of the 80s? 😀

    As for the Carradine informercial, it wasn’t that bad. I just wonder how he managed to ‘work out’ in jeans!

  • Poppity⛄

    You are absolutely right! That is insanely creepy!!

  • Poppity⛄

    Damn … that’s a hot burn right there.

  • Poppity⛄

    What’s he done this time, officer? 😉

  • Damn you, Sailor. DAMN YOU

  • Sailor Monsoon

    Oooooooo
    You went there

  • Joe Newman

    I think I know what he used that hose for…

  • Sailor Monsoon

    Sweet Jesus i wish it was

  • King Alvarez

    That header image on the front page give me the heebie jeebies. Kinda like the guy in a dog suit from The Shining.