Monsoon-A-Day: ‘Mother Goose Rock ‘N’ Rhyme’ 1990

Welcome to Monsoon-a-day.
Where I watch and review a movie a day.

Day 19

 

The Wonderful World of Disney was an anthology series that ran from the 50’s to the beginning of the 90’s, That was dedicated to producing high quality television movies such as Mr. Boogedy, Fuzz Bucket and Young Houdini.

They also ran Shelley Duvall’s Mother Goose Rock ‘n’ Rhyme.

Based on the header, i bet you can guess which one I’m going to review.

The film starts with Mother Goose creating ‘Rhymies’ (She puts words together that rhyme and things magical come into existence) and her son Gordon ain’t having it. He’s tired of being in Rhyme Town and decides to leave bust ass outta there. He leaves her house and is immediately waylaid by musical jackasses that decide to pad the running time of this film with a terrible 5 minute song. Once free from their musical shenanigans, He runs into his next door neighbor- The Old Lady Who Lives in a Shoe (Debbie Harry) and she implies each child she has has a different father. That’s a joke with a punchline that would’ve taken me 15 years to get.

He leaves her and runs into Little Bo Peep, who lost her sheep. She tells him that she just left Mother Goose’s house and that she’s missing. So Gordon and Bo Peep (Shelley Duvall) go back to Goose’s house.

The house (and every set in this film) Looks like they hired the set director of Pee-wees Playhouse and paid him in hallucinogenic toads.

She’s missing and thus begins the plot. Outside of the house, They encounter the Itsy Bitsy Spider who sounds exactly like if Elmo got addicted to crack and would preform oral favors for a taste. He offers no help whatsoever and they leave him.

Next stop on the plot trail is Little Miss Muffet but before we get to her, The gang runs into The Three Men in a Tub played by ZZ Top. They give directions in their patented That-a way hand gesture. And off they go.

15 minutes in and the main character is painfully obnoxious. He’s constantly bitching about everything and He’s got a stupid face. I hate him.

Mary Quite Contrary (Katey Sagal) and Mother Hubbard (Elayne Boosler) are up next and are usually the scenes that get cut out broadcasts and i can see why. Sagal is fine in the role but she gets nothing to do but complain about flowers and the Mother Hubbard scene i don’t get at all. She runs a restaurant that’s all out of food. That’s the punchline. Everything they order, The Restaurant is out of. Maybe I’m just not familiar enough with the nursery rhyme but the joke went over my head.

After those two pointless scenes, We end up at Mary Lamb’s (Cyndi Lauper) house. Gordon makes a joke that when he tried to take her on a date, The Lamb sat between them. “Talk about getting fleeced.”

The Lamb Cockblocked him.

The Lamb talks like a Brooklyn heavy that eats cigarettes for breakfast. The Lamb is played by Woody Harrelson.

They leave her house and on their car is a ransom note ‘Bring 650 bucks and chili dogs to the park if you wanna see Mother Goose again.’ and I’m assuming when we get there it’s going to be another cameo.

It was Peter Piper. Played by the guy from Night Court. After some annoying ass alliteration, he points them to the Crooked Man. Off we go.

His cameo consists of that stupid as sin Scooby-Doo Joke where you go through one door and the person you’re chasing goes through another. Sometimes you both come out the same door, sometimes you don’t. I hate that Damn gag. It’s a waste of time. So much so, It’s actually inconsequential to the plot. Not only did he not take her, the movie doesn’t even bother setting up a segue. They leave and on to the next cameo.

Jack and Jill. They fall down a hill and then bitch like a married couple. That’s the gag. They’re played by Garry Shandling and Teri Polo and they’re absolutely wasted doing nothing.

Miss Muffet runs a restaurant. (I’m tired of trying to set up segues. Just catch up.) She’s dressed like Madonna and for some reason this is the only thing i remember from when i watched this film 25 years ago. Oh and this entire scene is Whey/ Way jokes. “There’s no way there’s too much Whey in this Whey.”

All of a sudden, The Itsy Bitsy Spider shows up and starts laying out some heavy exposition. The exposition is so heavy, They need The King to explain it.

Scene over. New Scene.

The King is played by Little Richard and his song is actually catchy because it’s played by Little Richard and Little Richard is the cats tits.

They interrupt his Rock’n to ask a question and Little Richard ain’t having that shit. Gordon gets his Dumbass thrown in the dungeon.

A random music video starts playing while he’s down there. I have no idea who these characters are supposed to be or who’s playing them and but i looked away for a second to do the google-y on them and two hideous trolls were suddenly on my screen tickle torturing the main character. After the documentary Tickled, I can never look at tickling the same way again.

And of course Gordon likes it. He’s the Worst.

Bo Peep convinces The King to sping Gordon because without Mother Goose, everyone will start disappearing. He releases him and tells them to go talk to Humpty Dumpty.

Egg puns. The entire scene consists of egg puns. He busts his ass, as he does, and is completely useless to them so they decide to go to the police for help.

But “You can never find a Policeman when you need one”(Don’t cut yourself on that edge Gordon) and now we’re introduced to a pimp who takes them to a club owned by Georgie Porgie. This movie is fucking weird.

I will say this is where their entire special effects budget went. Everyone is either animal like or they look like extras from Monkeybone. Like low rent extras. Apparently Georgie Porgie was played by Art Garfunkel but i guess i missed him.

Gordon decides to go to a private investigator. If it seems like I’m just jumping from scene to scene, I’m not. This movie is insanely fast paced. A cameo consists of a joke and then it’s over. The joke to the private investigator is that they’re blind. It’s The Three Blind Mice. The entire scene is in black and white like a 40’s noir and it leads to this clever exchange:

“Why is everything suddenly Black and White?”

“Because we’re blind”

“…But I’m not”

And then the mice start dancing to a pseudo R&B song.

And that scene is over. He learned nothing.

Back on the road with Bo Peep and they come across Simple Simon (Paul Simon) can you guess what the joke is? Come on. Take a shot. He’s ‘Simple’. Like Forest Gump Simple. Once the audience figures out the joke, The scene literally ends.

Gordon and Bo Beep have a little moment and just when Gordon might get a kiss, Mother Goose appears in the moon telling him to hurry the hell up and save her.

Cockblocked by a lamb and now a goose. (It was clever word play. She’s not actually a goose. That joke plays better once you know it’s the lady from all in the family. I could’ve set that joke up better and i apologize.)

Bo Peep comes up with the idea to go to the fair to see the Cow that jumps over the moon. Cheech Marin shows up and plays the exact same character he played in From Dusk Till Dawn but G rated. It’s kinda crazy.

They hitch a ride on the magical cow and fly so hard through space, They bust through to the real world where a kid has taken Mother Goose. He explains that he wanted her to tell him stories and Blah Blah Blah.

Look it doesn’t matter. You know they go back in the book and you know Gordon ends up with Bo Peep but did you know Gordon himself is a ‘Rhymie’?

Of course you didn’t Because you didn’t watch this insane film but yes, yes he is. He’s the first ‘Rhymie’ but he sucks. He sucks so much it’s a plot point. Mother Goose was embarrassed by his suckage and she never told anyone. That’s the end of the film. He sucks and the end.

But if that kid could pull things out of books, why did he choose a nursery book? He could’ve chosen anything. I could’ve watched the version where he found his uncle’s porn collection.

Now that’s a movie.