Monsoon-A-Day: ‘Neon Maniacs’ 1986

Welcome to Monsoon-a-day.
Where I watch and review a movie a day.

Day 37

 

I pride myself in my ability to route through the shit to find the truffles. Like a video sniffin’ pig if you will. But every once in awhile, the ol’ nose betrays me. Maybe it’s the title, maybe it’s the poster art, or even the directors previous credits, whatever it was that lead me to Neon Maniacs lead me astray.

“But it has 4.7 on IMDB! How could you be fooled!?” Look man, shut up. Shut your mouth. I don’t follow no damn movie site scores, I’m my own man. I make my own decisions. Ain’t nobody gonna tell me what’s what. (Why am I like this? Why do I love garbage??)

How do I describe Neon Maniacs? Well it starts with an old man about to go fishing at the San Francisco pier, when he spots a cow skull holding a door open. He picks up the skull and discovers it’s holding what looks to be playing cards, one for each Maniac. And then immediately gets killed. At no point in the film do they explain the significance of the cards. You will never hear about them again.

Since no person on earth wants to watch a horror film about an old man fishing, we’re introduced to our actual protagonist, Natalie. Her friends and her decide to hang out at the park at night for some good old fashioned 80’s shenanigans but wouldn’t you know it, the Maniacs show up. And Kill everyone.

 

As you can see, The Maniacs themselves are not exactly terrifying. There’s some that look waaaaay better than others but not a single one of them would do anyone a frighten.

After killing everyone but Natalie, The Maniacs just leave for no reason and Natalie is rescued by the police. And this is where the film gets immediately rough. Since the filmmakers decided they wanted to kill everyone off immediately, that means Natalie is instantly the final girl from the beginning.

So they essentially shot themselves in the foot because now it’s just going to be a “Natalie gets attacked in a subway or on a bus or even at home” type film. Her ass is constantly in danger and they never explain why The Maniacs are now obsessed with her. They hound her everywhere she goes.

Oh and their weakness is water. There’s actually an important reason why that is, and it’s because the filmmakers had no fucking money to make the film and water is cheap.

I think the film could be forgiven of all of it’s low budget sins if it included just one little thing- A FUCKING ENDING. There’s literally no fucking ending. Natalie and a group of characters– I didn’t talk about because fuck em–decide to take the fight to The Maniacs and it abruptly stops. The third act was about to salvage this dumpster heap of a film and then we get credits instead.

Were they setting up a sequel? Did they just run out of money? I don’t care. Don’t watch Neon Maniacs. Listen to scores, don’t be a rebel like Sailor.