Monsoon-A-Day ‘Nightwish’ (1989)

Welcome to Monsoon-a-day.
Where I watch and review a movie a day. Or whenever I fucking feel like it.

Day 66

 

 

In 1979, Edward Packard (not to be confused with Alfred Packard who was a naughty cannibal. Or maybe he wasn’t. History is a fickle bitch) created the Choose Your Own Adventure book series which meant the school library would finally be used for something besides Oregon Trail. They were a landmark in children’s literature but they really have nothing to do with this film. Or do they?

You see, just like how you would keep your finger on a page, read ahead, inevitably die but pretend like it didn’t count because your finger was still on the page, Nightwish has about 5 different endings that all keep pulling that same shit. And just like the novels, you can choose your own ending. Like turning the film off and learning how to communicate with squirrels or deciding that you want to get in on that cocaine addiction that everyone is talking about. The adventures never end.

Nightwish is an obscure 80’s horror film that includes literally everything: Aliens, ghosts, mutants and zombies. It throws the biggest proverbial kitchen sink into the mix but the faucet drips and the porcelain is stained yellow. Although it’s a massive clusterfuck, you can’t accuse the film of not trying but you can’t substitute a script with horror iconography.

You need some connective tissue that bridges the first act to the second act and so on but this film doesn’t have that. Instead, it leans heavily on cliches and tropes to pad out the runtime and that’s a shame because there is an interesting idea here.

The plot is identical to The Haunting: In a haunted house, six white people lead by an overzealous professor, try to examine the paranormal activities that are going on down there. Creepy shit starts happening immediately and you’ll start to question your sanity. Not by anything even remotely resembling fright. Heavens no. No, you’ll be questioning your sanity because your mind will not fathom how anyone would finance, star or direct this piece of shit.

There’s actually more going on like are the ghosts actually aliens or is it all an elaborate experiment? I won’t spoil the reveal but it is legitimately clever. The ending will instantly remind you of a huge action blockbuster who’s plot will actually ruin this films ending but suffice it to say, it’s crazy coincidental. It would be amazing if the director of that was inspired by this but there’s no goddamn way he’s seen this piece of shit.

But not every film is its plot. Any film could be saved by the right actors and thankfully this film has the best actors…

The local community college has to offer. Actually, scratch that. These actors come from the sewer that runs under the community college.

Renowned philosopher Jean-Paul Satre once famously “Hell is other people.” Well, he’s almost correct. Hell is these people.

Every single one of them is terrible. I’m not even talking about the characters, which I can barely remember. No, these actors are so bad, I’m assuming they’re all terrible people in real life. Like they were all part of a criminal syndicate that specialized in baby murders that got caught but they turned states evidence and the judge (being known as kind of a wacky guy when it comes to sentences) decided that instead of serving any time, that they should be in the worst film in existence.

This is that film.

I don’t know what else to say about it. It has a nugget of a great idea surrounded by boring, nonsensical bullshit brought to life by inept actors reading a god awful script. There’s almost nothing to recommend here other than that nugget that I can’t reveal. But believe me, it’s been better utilized since.

Oh and the answer is 27. 27 pups and kitties died during the making of The Adventures of Milo and Otis. Now you know and the burden has been lifted.