Monsoon-A-Day ‘Project: Metalbeast’ (1995)

Welcome to Monsoon-a-day.
Where I watch and review a movie a day. Or whenever I fucking feel like it.

Day 77

 

For some inexplicable reason, every classic monster has about a million films made about them except for werewolves. There’s an old saying in Hollywood that I just coined, that goes:

“if you make a great western, it’ll be in the top fifty westerns, if you make a great science fiction film, it’ll be in the top twenty science fiction films, if you make a great heist film, it’ll be in the top ten heist films but if you make a great werewolf film, you just made the second best werewolf film.”

Because old timey expressions are confusing and obtuse (what the fuck does “a stitch in time saves nine” even mean? It’s nonsense), what the saying means is, every genre has a ton of classics except for werewolf movies.

Every single werewolf movie you can name, is either straight up dogshit or a strong contender for the second best werewolf movie.

And it’s not because of the lack of metaphors either. Zombies overwhelmingly dominate the market because they’re cheap as hell to make and can be used as a metaphor for hunger, consumerism, Vietnam, race, Etc. But werewolves are just as versatile. There’s the coming-of-age “I just got my period oh no” angle of Ginger Snaps, the Jewish prosecution of the original Wolfman and the subtle puberty metaphor brilliantly portrayed in Teen Wolf.

So obviously it comes down to budgetary reasons. Werewolf movies don’t get made because a werewolf suit (fuck you if you make a werewolf movie and werewolves are actual wolves) is apparently too fucking expensive. But if Project: Metalbeast can scrounge up enough shekles to make a werewolf film, there’s no goddamn reason on God’s green earth, we shouldn’t have at least one werewolf movie every other year.

Now, after making that statement, you would assume that Project: Metalbeast is on the negative end of the scale and you’d be wrong—ish. It’s not what anyone would consider good by any conventional means of film criticism. The metric of whether something is “good”,  is sometimes dependant solely on the amount of alcohol consumed and the company involved.

This is not a film to be watched by yourself. This is the type of film that writes a check that only alcohol can cash. On said check, you’ll notice that it says “metal werewolf played by Kane Hodder which will make you want to run immediately to the cinema bank to cash it but–and this pains me to say–not even the metal werewolf can save this film.

The director somehow bounces a check that’s amount is metal werewolf and is made out to Kane Hodder.

But that’s where the liquor pays off the difference. Pretend whatever alcohol you’re consuming is a bookie and that bookie is constantly threatening the film with violence if it doesn’t deliver the goods. And instead of a week to pay its debts, it has fifteen minute increments.

That’s Project: Metalbeast. A film desperately trying to entertain you just enough to not get a metal pipe to the legs.