Monsoon-A-Day: ‘The House’ 2017

Welcome to Monsoon-a-day.
Where I watch and review a movie a day.

Day 38

 

Some of my favorite films are called House. There’s the batshit insane Japanese ghost movie, there’s the incredibly underrated William Katt haunted house action comedy and even the Italian rip off La Casa series. There’s even that show that was on at one time that existed. I guarantee at least half of that show was good. You know what’s not good? The House.

Full disclosure: I fucking love Will Ferrell. I have to preface the review with this fact or you’ll be confused as to why i would sit through this miserable piece of shit but god damn, it wasn’t easy. My love was stretched as thin as it’s ever been and I’ve actually sat through his stupid ass Mexican soap opera movie. And this was worse.

The House is about Will Ferrell and Amy Poehler playing a boring ass vanilla couple who’s daughter (Ryan Simpkins) lost her scholarship and apparently the tuition is “50 Million dollars!” Because Will Ferrell says it’s 50 Million dollars. You see, the joke is that tuition is expensive and it most certainly is but based on the shit they do in the movie, it kinda feels like it really is 50 Million fucking dollars.

So they decide to team up with their gambling addicted friend (Jason Mantzoukas) to turn their house into a casino. “Because the house never loses!” That’s your set up folks. They need money, so they create a casino in their house. As simple as film plots go and i think it would’ve worked if this film was made in the 70’s. A Larry Cohen written dark comedy about debt and class would’ve been amazing but what we got instead, was shitty improve, an inconsistent tone (Ferrell is called the butcher for a very specific reason) and no stakes.

At no point did i wonder if their daughter was going to make it to college Because

  1.  I didn’t care.
  2. They clearly made enough money to send every fucking child on earth to college.

There’s literally no stakes. I need x some I’m going to do y, is the basis of a ton films, many of them are great but i need a reason to want to see them get x. Or why i should care what happens if they do y. But there’s no reason. There’s corrupt cops but they get bought off. They get the money immediately, so there’s no tension. There’s literally nothing holding this film together.

If you dying to see a married couple join a fight club or watch Poehler take a piss on a front lawn, The House is for you. No, seriously. It’s for you. I don’t fucking want it.