Monsoon-A-Day ‘The Magic Lizard’ (1985)

Welcome to Monsoon-a-day.
Where I watch and review a movie a day. Or whenever I fucking feel like it.

Day 83


Here’s a fun fact I learned while watching this film–Did you know that gibberish is an actual language? Much like Pig Latin or Double Dutch, it’s a dialect that adds an infix to consonants and/or fucks around with syllables and vowels. It serves no real function and is only used by older sisters to keep secrets from their younger brothers.

The director of The Magic Lizard must of overheard one of the many conversations my sister had with her bitchy friend about the hotrod named Joey that lived down the street and decided that was the perfect language to use in his film. But, much like me at that age, completely misunderstood the rules and figured it was a game that’s sole purpose was to confuse everyone around you.

Wikipedia would have you believe that the language spoken in this film is Taiwanese but that is incorrect. It is, in fact, gibberish. Complete gobbledygook. No character in this film is speaking a language the human ear has ever heard before or since.

Listening to the titular main character screech in–what can only be described as a Japanese school girl on fire–for roughly two hours, is an endurance test. And the film has no subtitles, so suffice it to say, not only was I completely confused throughout the film, I was stuck listening to an audible torture that was akin to getting my ear raped by a dildo made of glass and razor wire.

The plot, as far as I can tell, involves a magical seven foot tall lizard that speaks like a middle-aged woman who is far too excited to come home to her cats trying to retrieve a stolen gem from aliens.

That happens but it never feels like the driving force of the narrative. The lizard just walks around causing chaos and is easily excited by everything. In fact, I just came up with a theory that would actually explain everything.

The Adventures of Milo and Otis (aka the puppy and kitty holocaust that’s fun for the whole family) was made by putting small animals in danger and then filming what would happen. Then an editor took all of the footage, edited out all of the puppy/kitty murder and used narration to loosely connect together a narrative.

I believe something similar happened with The Magic Lizard. I feel like whoever is in the suit is actually severely mentally handicapped and just dresses like a lizard cuz why not. The director found this special individual fucking around the village and decided to film his shenanigans. This film is the result of that footage.

That’s the only thing that makes sense because, like I said earlier, I can’t speak whatever the fuck language they’re speaking. Which wouldn’t have been a problem if this film was comprehensible in anyway whatsoever but The Magic Lizard is the definition of gibberish. The plot is gibberish. The language is gibberish. And the action is straight up nonsensical lunacy.

But it’s never boring. It maybe gibberish and slightly annoying but it never loses your attention. Which is more than I can say about most films nowadays.

Is the phrase “it’s all Greek to me” still applicable if the language is actually Taiwanese?