Welcome to Monsoon-a-day.
Where I watch and review a movie a day.
Unmasking The Idol
In honor of James Bond week, I decided to review some of the more obscure James Bond films and Rip-offs and next up is: Unmasking The Idol.
I’m going to shake things up for this review.
Instead of formatting it like a typical review with segues and a structure of some kind, I’m going stream of conscience.
Just out of context bulletpoints.
7-The main character (Duncan Jax) is a ninja wearing a metal Burka. Why?
-He escapes at least 20 heavily armed men by throwing himself from a large building.
Landing in a pool.
Waiting in that pool for them to go down stairs.
Waiting for them to open fire on him.
Then the escape plan kicks into action.
He jumps up, throws a smoke bomb and while everyone is distracted, escapes in a miniature hot air balloon.
While they fire at him.
-Check out this legit theme song from a not too bad Tom Jones impressionist:
“He walks on the night, Between the wrong and the right.
He’s drawn like a moth to the light.
The flame grows higher.
His will can fight desire.
So he walls through the fire.
Flyyyy on the wings of the to the sun.
But not till the game is won.
Yeah! Revenge is sweet.
If you can stand the heat.
Can you stay in for the run.
The last man and the devils cold (!?)
Is a story to be told.
Ride on the wings of the to the sun.
But not till the game is woooooooooooon.”
-The first “Bond Girl” Jax encounters looks like an inexplicable living mannequin that also has down syndrome.
She also can’t act.
-Everything they say to each other sounds like it was collected from a Double Entendre Dialogue Generator.
-Boon the Baboon (Get It?) Shows up and Almost cock blocks jax.
No reason is given to his ninja attire.
-Action scene in broad daylight.
Hoodlums are messing with Boon and Jax shows up to fight them.
In a metal burka.
In broad daylight.
-Secret base rendezvous (It’s hidden behind 3 trees in some forest. You can’t miss it)
-Exposition (Good Guy)
-Exposition (Bad guy)
Main villain looks like a mixture of Cobra Commander and a Knock off Cobra Commander.
He feeds two old people to some crocodiles.
– The Mission Begins
Seriously. That’s what it says on the screen.
The Mission won’t take place for another 20 minutes but you do you movie.
-After training Jacuzzi orgy.
-I don’t know who this character is but he looks like a more racist Colonel Sanders.
It’s lit exactly like Dragon’s office from the film
The Eiger Sanction.
(Look it up)
Ok the The Eiger Sanction Is a crazy action movie starring Clint Eastwood who gets paid in 100 dollar paintings to kill people.
By an albino named Dragon.
Oh and Clint has sex with a woman after making a rape joke AND an aunt Jamima joke.
(Seriously, that monkey is adorable dressed as a ninja)
-Boon blowing people up and flipping them off.
-Good Guy Exposition.
Everyone is sitting around a large table, Dressed like they work at a Japanese Happy Ending Massage Parlor.
-Bad Guy Exposition.
The interior of his base looks like the Castle Greyskull Playset i have….i mean Used to have.
-Good Guy Exposition.
-Ninjas parachuting in broad daylight.
Henchmen- Our Men Are Dropping Like Flies!
Main Bad Guy-Then Get More Flies, Idiot!
This line made me laugh.
-So much ninja on ninja action.
-Some of These ninjas are fat. They must have ran out of extras.
-Jax wrestles some crocodiles in what appears to be a shit pit.
-Boon, Once again, does all the work.
-The villains camera system has a ninja star wipe function apparently.
-Oh No the Bad Guy is…Oh Shit. I actually didn’t guess that.
Unmasking the Idol-1
-“There’s no way you’re going to pick up all those gems with that little bag. Stop playing Jax”
-Unmasking the Idol brought to you by Rainbow Ryders Hot Air Balloon Company.
When looking cool isn’t a priority, Take a hot air balloon!
Wait, The monkey who played Boon’s real name is Typhoon?
Why the F— Is this not called:
Typhoon The Baboon And The Ninjas?
Well there you have it.
That’s Unmasking The Idol
Some movies are so bad their good
This one is so good, It’s awesome.