Film #8 in the Marvel Cinematic Universe: Thor: The Dark World
“The end is near.” Avengers: Infinity War is set to hit theaters at the end of the month. Each weekday FilmExodus will be spotlighting a film from the Marvel Cinematic Universe in the buildup to Infinity War. Don’t expect a Stan Lee cameo though. This is… The Road to Infinity.
I should start by admitting my bias. I am basically Thor. I mean, obviously I do not own a magical hammer or can control lightning or anything like that. However, we are both Australian, incredibly attractive, and bearded. To be honest, my beard is probably a bit better, but I will try not to let this beard bias influence my review. Now that that is out of the way, onto the review.
I found the first twenty minutes of this movie nearly unwatchable. It was honestly just a blurry mess. I could not tell what was happening on screen and I had to stop watching. In hindsight, it probably was not the best idea to run my 3D Blu-ray copy of the film through my new, non-3D TV. Luckily, Google Play had my back and one rental later we were back.
If you do not like CGI, do not watch this. Asgard has more CGI than a Michael Bay wet dream. Malekith’s (Christopher Eccleston) space ship is worse. I am honestly surprised they just did not CGI the Earth bits filmed on location. However, the CGI is done well though, and the colors pop nicely. As well, the final fight shows off the different realms well. It would probably look good in 3D too, but I do not have a 3D TV anymore, which is apparently a requirement for 3D Blu-rays. I don’t know, it seems like some kind of scam to me.
Thor: The Dark World is, let us face it, pretty bad, but at least the cast is good. Chris Hemsworth is an attractive bearded Australian, so, of course, he is excellent. Tom Hiddleston nails the “is he good, is he bad” guy routine with Loki. Finally, Natalie Portm—mmm, Natalie Portman—uh, where was I? Oh yes, the cast is excellent, and filled with great supporting performances from the likes of “Bob Hoskins” (Anthony Hopkins), Idris Elba, and “1 Broke Girl” (Kat Dennings). Unfortunately, the script does them no favor. I find it pretty hard to believe that Loki, who tried to take over Earth in Avengers and was the main antagonist in Thor, is now all “good guy” and Thor is just gonna be cool with it.
Little Elf B*tch (which Malekith will hereby be known as) is a low-light, too. The whole genocidal warlord thing is pretty played out at this point in Hollywood. Obviously, he wants revenge, but there is no backstory as to why he was trying to destroy everything before there was anything to be vengeful for. This makes him another one-dimensional villain lacking a real motive. He is not even tough either, preferring others to fight his battles for him, and running away when overwhelmed.
It would not be an Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) movie without comic relief. Unfortunately, whereas movies like Guardians of the Galaxy and Thor: Ragnarok manage to get good laughs, The Dark World‘s jokes all fall flat. I cannot remember if I laughed the first time I watched this, but this recent rewatch did not even get a chuckle from me. Well, okay, that is not entirely true. While I was watching The Dark World, my dog was trying to get a pull-toy unstuck from under the couch, and when it came out, due to the force, my dog went flying across the room. Hilarious; probably my highlight from the film.
So Little Elf B*tch, with his big dog/little dog syndrome, gets his ass kicked by Thor’s Grandad, Bor, and loses his super special weapon (the Aether). He then commands his army to go all suicide squad on the Asgardians while he runs away. What a little b*tch! The Asgardians hide the super special weapon on, what a surprise, Earth. Seriously, what is the deal with that? Every time another dimension or planet has a problem with another dimension or planet, Earth somehow gets stuck in the middle of it. What did we ever do to them?
Basically, Little Elf B*tch cannot accept that he got his ass handed to him, so he goes after the super special weapon again. Which means I have to stop him, ergh, I mean Thor does. Sorry, I get confused because of the whole attractive bearded Australian thing. Anyway, Thor’s Earth ex(?)-girlfriend, Jane Foster, who is also a scientist, finds the super special weapon because of course she does and it infects her. Well, that or she took some excellent LSD before touching it. Luckily, Thor is space stalking her right when this happens, so he knows he has to take her back to Asgard. From there, Thor has to team up with Loki to save a) the now super special weapon which is infused inside Miss Foster; b) the Earth; and c) a bunch of other realms, all from Little Elf B*tch. For the rest of the plot, watch the movie… if you must.
Thor: The Dark World is not the greatest movie in the MCU. The lack of motivation for Little Elf B*tch does nothing to drive the story, the Thor/Loki dynamic feels forced, and the 3D Blu-ray runs terrible on a non-3D TV. The movie would have benefited from no attempts at humor, including the flat one-liners. It is a shame that an excellent cast cannot save this film. Oh, this movie also loses points because towards the end, my Mrs. walked in, saw Thor, and proceeded to tell me how attractive he is… in great detail. At least this distracted me from the movie for a few minutes, but still, she already has an attractive bearded Australian. So if you are not one (an attractive bearded Australian) I would not recommend seeing The Dark World with your lady friends.
Personally, I give Thor: The Dark World 2 out of 5 attractive bearded Australians.