Tom Cruise’s Fake Filmography: Jokes based on the Titles

Here are some jokes based on the titles of movies starring Tom Cruise.  If somebody can suggest a better joke for a certain title, I will replace it up until a week after the original post. Best joke wins.

(Some of these were contributed by Joe Newman. Thanks, Joe.)

 

Taps: Story of a tap dancing school competing against the school from Fame.

The Outsiders: Story of a group of boys stuck outside during a thunderstorm.

Losin’ It: Story of a man (Cruise) who cannot find his keys or wallet or phone or house or…

Risky Business: Cruise plays a wall street investor in this gripping PSA about how to not invest your money.

All the Right Moves: Cruise plays a dancer living in a steel town that has outlawed football. Not as famous as the subpar Kevin Bacon Vehicle Foot Cramp.

Legend: Paul Bunyan (Cruise) must traverse the rugged landscape to fight his big blue ox, Babe (Voiced by Tim Curry).

Top Gun: Cruise invents a gun that shoots tops. All goes well until he shoots someone’s eye out.

The Color of Money: Cruise loses his ability to see the color of money, which leads him to print his own money.

Cocktail: Animated film. Cruise plays a jar of olives who falls in love with a bottle of gin voiced by Elizabeth Shue. Unfortunately, she’s in love with a bottle of vermouth.

Rain Man: Cruise plays a meteorologist who keeps hoping for a sunny day in Florida who gets drafted into a get-rich scheme to take advantage of the constant rainfall by a crafty homeless man (Dustin Hoffman).

Born on the Fourth of July: Cruise plays a doctor tasked with delivering 16 babies of his own conception on the fourth of July.

Days of Thunder: A sequel to Rain Man, where now wealthy and honest meteorologists Cruise and Hoffman attempt to stop two young men (not unlike their former selves) hatch a similar scheme, only to realize that they can make even more money.

Far and Away: The heartwarming story of a man’s struggle to overcome his speech impediment of putting “and” in between each and every word.

A Few Good Men: Tom Cruise joins Jack Nicholson, Kevin Bacon and Kiefer Sutherland as some guys that are okay. Unimpressed by them, Kevin Pollack and Demi Moore set out on a search for a few great men.

The Firm: Failed aerobics series that Cruise tried to start after seeing a Jane Fonda workout video.

Interview with a Vampire: Tom Cruise interviews Dracula with questions like “How handsome do you think I am?” Dracula gets fed up and leaves.

Jerry Maguire: Originally titled John Smith, but producers thought the name was too boring.

Eyes Wide Shut: Directed by Stanley Kubrick, the story of an optometrist told in painstakingly realistic detail. It required 600 takes to get the glaucoma scene right.

Magnolia: Tom Cruise plays the beloved spiritual leader, Frank T.J. Mackey, who’s enlightening teachings focus on unexpected intricacies in everyday life. He then takes up gardening.

Vanilla Sky: Cruise runs an Ice Cream parlor called Vanilla Sky and ironically cannot find any Vanilla for one ancient customer.

Minority Report: Tom Cruise plays a sociology professor that assigns his students a controversial assignment with unsuspected results.

The Last Samurai: The amazing true story about the time Tom Cruise teamed up with the last living Samurai to battle white-washing in Hollywood. Co-starring Mel Gibson and Scarlett Johansson.

Collateral: Tom Cruise plays an evil bookie who tricks young Jimmy to putting his most prized Baseball card on the line on the only kind of bet that matters: a baseball game.

War of the Worlds: Outdated rip-off of Star Wars. Cruise travels across the galaxy in search of a floppy disk. Instead of Jar Jar Binks, they have Spoon Spoon Dinks.

Lions for Lambs: Disney Pixar film. Cruise plays a hot shot lion who just wants a new wool sweater for the winter.

Tropic Thunder: Cruise’s version of an Adam Sandler movie where he goes on vacation and makes a movie around it. It involves him running on the beach and playing a lot of volleyball with Ben Stiller and Jack Black.

Valkyrie: The story of Richard Wagner. May include anti-Semitic material.

Knight and Day: Sequel to A Knight’s Tale. Cruise has to fight Wayne Knight (playing himself) at noon to regain control to his kingdom.

Rock of Ages: Tom Cruise is a geologist who finds a rock that reveals the secrets of the universe.

Oblivion: Cruise runs and occasionally jumps around a white background for 90 minutes.

Edge of Tomorrow: Adaptation of one of Phil Collin’s lesser known songs. It tells the story about Cruise’s breakup with Emily Blunt after she leaves him for a forward seeing space alien, who also happens to be a lawyer.

The Mummy: Cruise returns home to see his British mother, who is bandaged up after a terrible accident.

American Made: Cruise fights against false advertising after discovering that his pants were actually made in Taiwan.

Mission: Impossible Series

  1. Mission: Impossible – Cruise plays an efficiency expert who designs Rube Goldberg devices. $20 million budget on tinker toys.
  2. Mission: Impossible 2 – Cruise has to design two Rube Goldberg devices. $40 million budget on marbles.
  3. Mission: Impossible III – Cruise has to design three Rube Goldberg devices. $60 million budget on K’nex.
  4. Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol – After retiring as an efficiency expert, Cruise becomes a ghost hunter.
  5. Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation – After retiring from his job as a ghost hunter, Cruise plays the head of a country that falls apart because everybody is rebelling all the time.
  6. Mission: Impossible – Fallout – After some career counseling, Cruise decides to become a video game character because he always wanted to fight mutants.

Jack Reacher series

  1. Jack Reacher: Cruise’s documentary for short people about how to reach the pickles on the top shelf.
  2. Jack Reacher: Never Go Back – Cruise ups the ante by putting the jar of pickles on the edge of a gorge.